Saturday, June 19, 2010

In a summer swelter

I think I finally understand what that song means. Well, that line anyway. Well, that part of that line. If ever was a summer swelter, we are in it. All except for the minor detail that it's not quite yet officially summer. I golfed yesterday, was already glistening with sweat on the first hole, and by the end of the round my shirt was like you had dipped it in water.

We're in another one of those stretches of twenty days of temps in the nineties and heat indexes normally reserved for the surface of Mercury. I have a standard line that I use in times like these: "Cold enough for ya?" It gets a laugh like a tenth of the time, but it's a decent conversation starter. OK, maybe decent is too strong a word there.

Of course, leave it to me to get a cold in the midst of all this. How does that even happen? I caught it on a Wednesday night and kicked it by the following Tuesday.

Being sick did give me additional time to realize there is nothing to watch on TV. Not any sports I'm very interested in. Not a Newhart rerun. Nothing. Just the World Cup. When is that over? I want my ESPN back. I can get into pretty much any sport you throw out there -- curling, Australian Rules Football, I've even watched the National Scrabble Championships. But soccer? I'm sorry, it's just not happening. Oh well, just 77 more days 'til football season. And I'll be asleep for like 15 of those.

I wish I could blame my being sick for my lack of blogtivity. But let's face it, I've been mentally lamenting -- if that's possible -- the excruciatingly slow death of my blog for awhile now. I want to write, but either I have no inspiration or I get sidetracked playing Family Feud on Facebook while singing along to Rob Thomas on iTunes. (I can't believe I just admitted that. The Family Feud part, I mean.)

I need discipline. Someone to say, "Bone, you can't go out to play until you've done your homework." By "go out to play" I mean "retreat further from social interaction by playing games online." And by "done your homework" I mean "written for thirty minutes."

I thought about re-instituting my Blogtober rules for June, but decided I'd wait until at least August, as Blogust sounds better than... well, whatever Blog-plus-June would be. On the other hand, Blogust also sounds a little like one of the ten plagues.

We shall see. Meanwhile, if you Boggle online, hit me up. I'm "Bone" or "Roll Tide" on the 4x4 board.

Finally, I'd like to close today with a Father's Day anecdote. I had contacted Dad's wife earlier this week for some possible ideas for Father's Day gifts, hoping maybe to surprise him. That went something like this:

"Have you heard him say anything he might want or need for Father's Day?"

"Yeah, there are a couple of things he's mentioned."

Alright! I'm thinking. She continues.

"The band on his underwear tore the other night and he was going to buy some new ones but I told him Father's Day is coming up and the kids might get you some."

Short pause to wait for response. There is none.

"He wears the white briefs."

"OK. Anything else?"

"He also needs some of the Mach 3 razor blades."

Sigh. OK, first of all, I'm not buying tightie-whities for anybody, especially not anybody related to me. Second of all, this is exactly the same thing Dad asked for last Father's Day, except I think he also wanted batteries last year.

As the week wound down, my sister and I were still void of ideas, so I decided to just call Dad and ask him directly if there was anything he wanted.

"Ya'll don't have to get me anything. Just keep being my kids." His usual response.

"Dad, it's Father's Day. You know we are going to get you something, just as we have every Father's Day, lo, these many years."

"Well, I guess I could use some new underwear. Mine's got holes in them."

Audible sigh.

"I wear the white briefs."

Yes, Dad, I am aware. Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of you walking around the house at night in ONLY those white briefs. Everyone's father does that, right? Actually, you know what, don't answer that.

"Alright. Is there anything else you can think of?"

"Oh, you know what, there is something else I need."

Finally! At long last!

"Ya'll can get me some of those Mach 3 razor blades."

"Man, it's a hot one. Like seven inches from the midday sun..."


  1. LOL about the Father's Day gift suggestions. I hate to break it to you but after a certain age dads just don't seem to care what they get...or maybe that's all the time?

    I know that DH doesn't have ANY suggestions for me...I just bought him underwear. oooh he might like a new razor as the old one just doesn't run the same since it's on regular power again (that's how he wore out his previous razor too).

    You & your sister could offer to take him someplace nice for dinner...or to bring the fixins over and grill up at his place (he might like that better if there's a game he wants to see!)

    And I would give you some flack for your lack of blogging...but then I would throw myself under that same bus. sigh!

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only dad who would be happy with underwear--i hate buying anything, but will go out and buy clothes, but I really hate buying underwear and won't, until there's nothing left!

    I hope you're getting better and can empathize with your lack of being able to write... Stay cool and may your AC always be faithful!

  3. this is hilarious. So random. I like it. :)

    Try to not sweat to death!

  4. The beginning of the post was like Southern molasses, slow and sweet--beautiful.

    Then it became totally hilarious

    Uh, worse than walking around in briefs? Uh how about boxers? Some of my most vivid memories...and no I don't cherish those memories, just the man in them.

  5. Bone get busy writing and don't play any computer games until you have written blogger posts for thirty minutes!

    I always had a hard time getting my brother a gift until I discovered Omaha steaks. Mail order steaks delivered on ice right to their door. They even send me an email reminder so I can't forget. How perfect is that!

  6. Renee - I think it's all the time. At least it has been with my Dad. He never seems to want/need much.

    Oh, we take him to dinner, too :)

    Maybe I should have got him some "#1 Dad" t-shirts.

    Sage - I remember hearing a joke one time that guys never throw away underwear, they just keep wearing them until eventually they disintegrate or something. On second thought, that may have been more of an observation than a joke.

    My AC went out a few summers ago, in the place I used to live. Those were a couple of hot nights, let me tell ya.

    Cami - Glad you enjoyed it. And you too. I can't imagine Jawjuh's much chillier than 'Bama.

    Pia - Thank you! Well, I think I would have much preferred boxers to briefs, but that does make me feel a little better nonethless :)

    Ed - Nice. I especially am a fan of the reminder service.

  7. I love the world cup with it's drama and corruption, and soccer bodies are the best in the world.

    "Happy Father's Day", in writing or in person, seems like the most reasonable gift, and the most welcome.

    Glad you are better, the heat is coming here too, so I'm heading toward the sea for a couple of days.

    Reading this blog always make me feel warm anyway, maybe you could patent that. You'd probably have a lot more time to play golf if you did.

  8. I saw on where someone had taken an old underwear band and used it to hold their trash bag in the can.

  9. I said "beautiful?" I meant the first two or so sentences but I've been sick too and this is the first in ten days I've been feeling semi-human.
    It was even more hilarious than I remembered it
    I second Cooper. I read your blog when I want humor and Southern warmth though there's a bit too much warmth
    You've taken that Southern and added all American OK Seinfeld story telling and tell stories about nothing or random anecdotes incredibly.
    I think I'm supposed to tell you to write for 30 minutes before you can play endlessly stupid games on FB--OK Family Feud sounds good--though I prefer trying to figure out how it's played online than actually playing it
    And you have me obsessed with father memories. See what mentioning father's down to their skivvies will do?

  10. So what did you get him in the end?!

    Why is it, I wonder, that Mother's Day is on different days in The States and the UK but Father's Day is the same?

    Let me know if you figure out how to motivate yourself. I'm still finding blog-posting really hard going at the moment. I'm starting to think I need a new - I don't know - something...

  11. ROFL! So...did you get him the tightie-whities?????

    My dad was a boxer kind of guy. I don't even want to think of the reasoning behind it.

    It's pretty stinkin hot here too. Drink lots of water!!!

    P.S. I think you and I are the only two on the planet NOT watching the World Cup. We may be destined for hell where they play vuvuzelas all the live long day.

  12. Bone, you can't go out to play until you've done your homework.


    Should I do that daily?

    I loved the story about your dad: I was crying I was laughing so hard. Hilarious :)

    My Dad wandered around in his underwear, too. *shudder* But he nevers asks for new, thank goodness. I'd prefer not to buy him that. I don't think my parents would dream of buying me underwear, or vice versa. It's just better that way.

  13. Today is the Summer Solstice for the Northern Hemisphere. Seeing as the days only get shorter from here on out one could logically assume they're going to get cooler and therefore summer must be half over... but that's not the case. If anything it's going to get hotter still and so today must be the first day of summer, regardless of what anyone else says.

    I hope you got your Dad some Mach 3 blades. Those things are expensive but well worth every penny!

  14. No World Cup for you? Huh, I will have to reevaluate our friendship.

  15. Cooper - Sorry, but I have to go with women's pro beach volleyball bodies. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one :)

    Patent warmth? Hmm, I could buy my own golf course.

    Renee - Somewhere there's probably a list: 101 uses for old underwear.

    Pia - A bit too much warmth because of the weather or because I'm writing about fathers and their underwear? :)

    Yeah, I wondered that, too. How it was played online, I mean. It's not bad. Of course, the announcer guy isn't Richard Dawson, but it's not bad.

    Thanks :)

    J Adamthwaite - I wound up going with a Bible cover.

    We could start a support group. Struggling Bloggers Anonymous?

    Carnealian - No, I think my sister got him the razor blades and/or the briefs.

    Yeah, don't analyze. Just be thankful.

    PS: Well, what shall we do instead? :)

    TC - Thanks. Ed already told me. Maybe you guys could alternate days.

    Whew, well at least it wasn't just mine. That makes me feel a little better.

    Capn John - Yeah, same thing with winter here usually. January usually seems to be colder than the first day of winter in December.

    No kidding they are expensive! The 5-ct. pack is like sixteen bucks now. People want to talk about the price of gas and milk. What about razor blades? Where's the outrage?!?!

    (But yes, they are excellent.)

    OKChick - Oh no. You like it??? Say it isn't so.

  16. That is sad that you have no inspiration to write.

    Heres to hoping you find it soon!

  17. That is sad that you have no inspiration to write.

    Heres to hoping you find it soon!

  18. You know I'm a tennis girl.

  19. You are just too funny! omg

    I cant get enough of the World Cup coverage!!i I will go through withdrawal when its over!!

    lol to Renees link... I love that site! And listen to Pia being all Southern now! hehehe Pia you will always be a New Yorker to me no matter where you reside!

    Happy Friday Bone!

  20. And, they keep calling it "football." Just to taunt us, you know?

  21. I was rolling on the floor laughing. My father asks for practical gifts as well but not underwear.

    When in doubt get a gift card to Cracker Barrel.

  22. Thanks for the laugh! It has been WAY hot lately. Imagine AL heat without the afternoon thunderstorms. They have thunderstorms here, but not the deep south variety. Here it is more like the sky grumbles a little, spits on you, and moves on. Pathetic.

    Hope you get out of your blog funk. The blog funk boat is getting full. Welcome to summer.