Monday, August 03, 2009

A part of me

I do hereby proclaim this National Blog Something From Draft Week. This marks the second big year for this great but scarcely observed occasion which was begun way back in 2008. It is a day, er week, for posts that otherwise would have never seen the light of day, and maybe never should have. Remember our slogan: "Someday we'll look back at this and cringe!" Feel free to join in, if you dare. It's the next best thing to not blogging at all. And so without further ado, here is my entry for NaBloSoFroDraWe 2009.

A part of me will always be seven years old. I remember being woken up in the middle of the night when Momma told Daddy it was time to go. It seemed so inconvenient then. That was the only time I ever saw him run a red light. And I remember sitting in the waiting room by myself, feeling lonely but not scared. Then they told me you've got a baby sister. It's funny, but now I can't remember much at all about those first seven years.

A part of me will always be nineteen at the foot of those stairs. Coming home that night, I remember thinking it was odd that Momma's car wasn't there. Daddy met me at the door, and there was that kicked-in-the-stomach feeling as I shook my head at the words I wished he wasn't saying. I think that's the first time I ever truly felt death--the shock and the sense of loss. I remember trying to cry when they laid Mamaw to rest. And thinking to myself, "I'll miss you." But I just didn't know. I'll always hate that cursed day and harbor that emptiness.

A part of me will always be barefoot on that beach. I was twenty-three but I felt like a kid the first time I ever saw the edge of dry land. I remember breathing in that sweet air and rolling up my jeans to let the cold water run over my feet. And thinking this was the place that I was always supposed to be. Everytime still feels a lot like that first time, and I still feel like a kid. However far away I go, I'll always long to be there, knees pulled to my chest, listening to the song of the sea and feeling like I'm home.

A part of me will always be on the phone with you at 6 AM. I remember the daylight through the blinds and realizing we had talked all night long. Yet and still I didn't want to let you go. Love was new and it felt so good to let your warmth wash over my soul. And I remember two years later trying to hold on and feeling helpless as you moved further from my grasp. We haven't spoken since and we probably never will. But now and then I will always wonder where you've gotten to.

I don't know if the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And I've heard it said that you lose parts of yourself along the way. But I might disagree. I think I carry all those parts with me as I go, these and a thousand more, somewhere inside. I think I always will.

"You're on every highway just beyond the high beams, right beside me in all of my sweet dreams. No matter where you choose to be, in my heart I'll always see you everywhere..."


  1. BoneHead--this is truly beautiful and worthy of a post. You began 3WW, and it's still going strong. You can NBSFDW. You can!

    The paragraph about the beach bridges family to unknown girlfriend (unknown by me your official biographer)

  2. A part of me will always be on the phone with you at 6 AM - I love that line.

    This is lovely. I'm glad you posted it - NaBloSoFroDraWe is a great idea (if verbose!) Maybe I'll join in. Or maybe I'm too scared...

  3. I love these glimpses into your life Bone. It shows you've lived so I'm all for these NaBloSoFroDraWe posts. I had a boyfriend I once held onto much like you did with this girl but it wasn't meant to be. I too haven't spoken to him since our breakup and don't care to. Hope all is well. Have a great day.

  4. You have a way of drawing me into your words as if I have lived them myself. I ride the waves of emotions with you as I read. You truly have a great talent and I always look forward to your next post. Thanks for taking me to another world, if only for a few minutes at a time!

  5. Pia - You're sure taking some liberties with bonehead :)

    Thank you. Boy, I have a lot to fill you in on before the biography comes out.

    J Adamthwaite - Thank you! I'm kinda glad I posted it, too. You should join in. It'll be liberating! Or at least... participatory :)

    Michelle Johnson - It shows you've lived

    I like how you put that. Thanks!

    Living and Loving Life In A Small Town (aka L&LLIAST) - Thanks. I really appreciate the thoughtful comment. There's definitely a sense of validation or something when people let you know they enjoy what you write.

  6. This was beautiful, Bone. It's a shame it stayed in draft so long. You need to make every week NaBloSoFroDraWe :)

    I love the paragraph about the beach, most likely because I always feel the same way. It is like coming home. I haven't made it home yet this year, and I can definitely tell.

  7. Wow...really Wow. Why did you think this should not be a post. The death of a grandmother knocked you for a loop as it does most of us unless we are to young and we don't remember.

    This passage was my favorite. The sting of a love that faded hurts even once you move on. " Love was new and it felt so good to let your warmth wash over my soul. And I remember two years later trying to hold on and feeling helpless as you moved further from my grasp. We haven't spoken since and we probably never will. But now and then I will always wonder where you've gotten to".

  8. The feelings of loss hit close to home. And true, "But I might disagree. I think I carry all those parts with me as I go, these and a thousand more, somewhere inside. I think I always will."

    the loss isn't really a loss, it's more of who you are and how the experience will always be there.

    good post.

  9. So glad to read this post..This is really great....Thanks for sharing..Will be following your blog from now on..Unseen Rajasthan

  10. This was so touching...I'm glad you turned this from a draft into an official post. It is completely worthy...

  11. Great images of Bone at various times of his life--thanks for sharing.

  12. NaBloSoFroDraWe is a success! Wonderful post.

  13. This puts the stuff in my drafts folder to shame. I have several that are titles only, and I have no idea what they mean. I'm not deleting them, though, just in case I eventually remember.

    I am going to try to turn one of them into a post. I'm really glad that it's NaBloSoFroDraWe and not NaBloSoFroDraDa. Although if it were a day instead of a week, maybe we'd someday get the day off of work for it.

  14. Yes Bone please fill me in. I participated because.....

  15. TC - Thank you. I have 87 posts in draft now. A lot are just fragments and pieces of things that I started but never finished.

    I thought it was interesting that I had put the beach in the same context as these other life events. Guess that shows how integral it is to me :)

    PennyCandy - I dunno. I typically go by the idea that it's in draft for a reason. I guess maybe I can be a bit too picky sometimes about what to post. Thank you.

    Daily Panic - I definitely learn from the losses. Probably moreso than from the gains. Thanks.

    Unseen Rajasthan - Thanks for visiting, and for becoming a follower.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Thank you! Sometimes I struggle with what is post-worthy and what is not.

    Sage - These were the days of my life :) Thanks.

    Charlotta-love - Yes, it is time to declare NaBloSoFroDraWe a qualified success! And thank you.

    Susan - Oh, I have several that are just a line or two. And one that's just a picture. But there are a handful that I completed and for one reason or another just never posted.

    If you participate, that'll make three.

    Pia - Number four! We've now officially doubled last year's total!

    You participated because... it's the next best thing to not blogging at all? :)

  16. The fact that that was a draft is quite impressive. I thought it was a brilliant piece Bone. So you have a stack of these?

  17. I just did mine. And I love that my comment about it is after someone named cooper.

  18. If this was a draft that was going to just sit there in that folder.. I am SO happy you've gotten the NABLOSOFRODRAWE started!!
    VErY touching, VEry honest and sweet.. Very T-bone!
    sorry about mamaw.
    I am going to dig around in my drafts list and participate in your draft week!

  19. I went to college with a guy from Arizona who had never seen snow before. I will never forget watching this usually-subdued guy with super-baggy jeans, chains, and spiky hair dancing around in front of his dorm trying to catch a snowflake on his tongue. :)

  20. I'm late getting around, and I labeled it what it was last year (???), but I participated!

  21. Cooper - Oh, I wouldn't call it a stack. Maybe five or so that are somewhat completed.

    Susan - Thanks for letting me know. I really enjoyed yours.

    Lucy - Thank you. Yeah, I was kinda surprised what I found when I started looking around in there. Kinda sad when I think my drafts are better than what I usually post now. lol

    R8chel - Well, I've seen snow a few times and I still act like that :)

    TC - Yeah, sorry about the inadvertent name change. Who knew NaBloSoThaDraWe would be so hard to remember!

    And thanks for participating. We've now shattered last year's numbers.