Monday, September 08, 2008

The twin I'd almost forgotten

I had almost forgotten about it. It had been so long. It was part of my past, much like tapered leg jeans, crying at the end of Mister Holland's Opus, or being a productive employee. It was who I was, not who I am. Or so I thought. Until Saturday, when I was reminded all over again.

I was at the first Bama home game of the season, waiting near the will call window a couple of hours before kickoff for my tickets. Normally, the tickets arrive a couple of weeks before the season starts, but due to some snafu this year they didn't. We get our tickets from Ben, who orders eight in all. My sister and I buy one pair, and this year he sold the other three pair on the internet.

So while Ben was in line at will call, I was talking to one of the other guys who bought tickets from him. We'll call him Earl. Earl and I had been chatting for five minutes or so when he paused and gave me a look. I wasn't sure what was going on and was wondering if maybe I had a rabid nose hair or something. Then, he said it.

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I mean, I don't want to offend you or anything but... has anybody ever told you you look exactly like Steve-O? You know from that show Jackass?"

Only everyone.

And by the way, how necessary is it to clarify which Steve-O you're talking about. What, am I gonna get him confused with the famed 18th Century composer Steve-O or Supreme Court Justice Steve-O?

Anyway, we talked about that for a few minutes. Once I had assured him that it didn't bother me to be compared to Steve-O, he brought his wife over so that she could see me. Maybe I should start charging. Just when I was starting to feel like the guy who met Andy Griffith, Ben walked over with the tickets and we dispersed.

Once inside the stadium, I stopped off to grab a hot dog and coke. Gulp! Cokes had gone up to $6 and hot dogs were $4. Last year, both were $3.25. It's a good thing I didn't break that ten the other day at Sonic.

Our seats are in the same spot as usual this year, with some familiar faces around as well as some new ones. I thought I would introduce you to a few in case I decide to write about them later in the season.

Let's begin with our returning characters from last season. First, we have Audrina and Lo. Now, I like Audrina, but I'm not crazy about Justin for her. That being said, he's still so much cooler than Heidi's boyfriend, Spencer. I mean, is it just me? Does anybody like Spencer? Talk to me, people.

Oh, sorry. I guess I got sidetracked. I'm good now.

Sitting about three places to my right is DUI. You might recall him from past seasons. DUI is the guy who mixes his Jack and Coke in the stands, makes a minimum of six restroom trips per game, and basically smells like he's wearing 80 proof cologne. Except Saturday, DUI brought a girl with him for the first time. He only got up twice to go to the restroom and never did I catch the scent of alcohol. If this keeps up, I might even have to change his nickname.

Back for another long season in their joyless existence are the two ornery old couples two rows in front of us. They never stand. They never cheer. The men complain the whole game. And if these early leavers haven't already left by the end of the 3rd quarter, it's probably a good idea to hit them in the head with a program to see if they're still alive.

Behind me and to the right is a guy I refer to as Ultimatum. He'll say things such as, "If we don't score on this drive, I'm leaving." Then after we don't score, he'll say, "OK, if we don't score on the next drive, I'm really leaving." Still, I like Ultimatum. He's emotionally invested and takes the losses really hard, like me. He never brings a woman with him, which leads me to wonder if maybe he used one too many ultimatums in his life.

New for 2008, we have a guy who I have dubbed Carlin. This pottymouth sits directly behind me, and appeared to be doing a perpetual tribute to George Carlin's seven dirty words the entire game, with heavy emphasis on the F word. He displayed a firm grasp of the F word and the ability to use it as at least six different parts of speech. However, his grasp of the remainder of the English language is questionable at best.

In front of me and to the left, and also new this year, is a girl I have affectionately tabbed OMG. She appears to have little to no interest in football. Instead, OMG is constantly texting and checking her phone throughout the game for new messages, mobile Hills updates, and who knows what else. JK, OMG. XOXO

In front of me and to the right is a guy I call Vandy. This Eddie Enthusiasm is a hardcore-fan-wanna-be. Many of you probably know the type. A pseudo-expert who wears the team colors, cheers, groans, and tries to make insightful comments during the game, but fails miserably. He always seems to be a few weeks/months behind on his team news, and certain information seems to have alluded him. Little obscure facts like: Last year's starting wide receiver was a senior. Therefore, he's no longer playing. So quit yelling his name.

Saturday night, he was looking at the scoreboard as they flashed scores of other games and saying things like, "Ooo, Michigan barely won" and "Arkansas is losing to Monroe" and then excitedly, "Vandy beat South Carolina!" Um yeah. We know. That game was Thursday night. And that's how Vandy got his name.

Most everyone was already in their seats getting ready for pregame festivities when Earl made his way down the aisle. Upon seeing me, he flashed an abnormally big smile, stuck out his hand to shake mine, and yelled, "Steve-O!!!!"

Then later, during a break in the action, Earl leaned up and said, "Hey man, I gotta get a picture of you after the game. Nobody will believe this!" Fortunately, he'll be sitting next to us all season.

Maybe it's true what they say, that everyone has a twin. I know I do. One thong-clad semi-celebrity to which I will forever be linked. Though only one of us is banned from ever performing again in Terrebonne Parrish, Louisiana.

"Well, there's a football in the air across a leaf blown field. Yeah, and there's your first car on the road, and the girl you'd steal..."


  1. I think you should charge for photos. Make it easier to tip the cute carhops, buy the Oakley's for when you do the Dalhausser (though, will you still be a twin for Steve-O after doing that? make sure you make plenty first) and spoil the 'phew for his first Christmas.

    I loved OMG. I work with a woman that says that Not the words themselves, but the letters. Literally. It kills me.

    Welcome back to your happy place, Bone. Enjoy another season in Tuscaloosa - new characters and old alike.

  2. I loved hearing about your new & old friends at the game. There's at least one in every croud. @@

    I've been told I look like Sondra Locke. OMG! I found a pix of her with her hair cut just like mine! i think she's copying me!

    so did you do the wave? And if you did, were you able to get it to travel around the entire stadium more than twice? We did. :P

  3. I am *sooooo* glad someone else will be living through the Hell that is other people this football season.

    I, too, have a Carlin. AND the cast of The Hills. AND an OMG - with the slight difference being that he's MALE. Yes, that's right. He's a man. He spent the entire game with his knee wedged into my lumbar, staring down at his T-Mobile Sidekick, texting the night away. He *may* have looked at the field twice. *May.*

    The cast of The Hills couldn't figure out "why the grass looks so funny - like, seriously - it's so weird looking." I didn't have the heart (or the patience) to turn around and explain the existence of astroturf.

    LOVE this post and can't wait to hear more about your fellow Tide fans, Steve-O. :)

    By the way . . . .did he get his picture with you after the game or not?? Inquiring minds want to know.

  4. This pottymouth sits directly behind me, and appeared to be doing a perpetual tribute to George Carlin's seven dirty words the entire game, with heavy emphasis on the F word

    That is an e_ample of some mighty fine writing

    Somebody said the "seven words" in something I read in a paper yesterday and I knew they involved the 'f" word and were from Carlin of course. But I'm not sure i know all si_others

    Agree with Avery about the post
    Signed the person who thinks too much about letters as one is missing from her keyboard
    The "s" word; two "c"words? Oh well

  5. Someone - I'm not sure. Pulling off the Dalhausser/Steve-O double will be tought. That'd be like doing a quadruple axel and following it up with a quintuple Salchow. (Why the heck do I know how to spell Salchow?)

    Renee - OMG, you do look like Sandra Locke. Or she looks like you.

    As for the wave, DKDC. Haha, no really, I think I remember it coming around once. But we were all kinda blah because the team didn't look that good, so I just kinda stuck my hand up as it went by. TTYL. DBAS.

    Avery - I think you misunderstood. The cast of The Hills wasn't actually at the game. That's the part where I got sidetracked :) Not that I watch the show much. I barely even know all the girls' names.

    A male OMG? Are you sure?? Oh great, now I have that Chumbawamba song in my head.

    Texting the night awaaaay... texting the night away...

    Pia - Yeah, I'm not sure I know all si_ others, either. (That was an e_ample of keyboard empathy.) Seems like there was at least one compound word involved.

  6. LOL! OMG, she and I could be BFF's. Not really, but that's funny. Why can't everyone just go and enjoy the game. Do guys always have to become the coach with all the right answers? I like DUI. I'd probably be drinking in the stands too. Especially if it was a PSU game. I'd be tuned for sure. And I would have to be restrained. You know I'd have to start a fight. Yay football season!!!

  7. 1. I knew I loved you before this post. But I didn't know how much until you revealed how much you know about The Hills.

    2. Steve-O is hot. I'd do him/you.

    3. No more tapered jeans. Promise?

  8. 1. Rammer Jammer, my friend, Rammer Jammer. Let me know if you ever have an extra ticket- I am all about the Crimson Tide! And I'll pretty much sell my soul for tickets.

    2. I like nicknames for people. I have names for all of my people in my actual life, and refer to them by these names on a regular basis. My mom knows people in my life as things like "Almost Gay Jamie", "Boy Cam", "Annoying Student Teacher Guy" and so on. Blessings aboundd.

    3. Steve-O. I need a famous twin. I'm jealous.

  9. #8? Really? Then again, after reading about your fellow fans, maybe it's not that hard to understand?

  10. on the steve-o note.. people have been telling me for 15 years that i sound just like fran dresher... i am amazed daily by the number of people that are still saying "has naybody ever told you...." wow..

    which rawk is it dat dey tink i just crawled out from unda?????

  11. I've been told I look like Wonder Woman...

  12. I don't comment often, but I'm an avid lurker. I skimmed through some of your posts from the past five years, and it was interesting to see how your writing has changed over time. Are you planning a big bash to celebrate IYROOBTY's 5th birthday? :)

  13. DUI is on the wagon, eh?

    You know, I'm in danger living in Michigan. Last year, I was at the big hourse when Appalachian State (from NC) beat the Big Blue. This year, I wasn't present, but afterwards, those who went blamed me for their loss (since I moved here from Utah, where I was a Utes fan only because not being Mormon, I couldn't be a BYU fan)

  14. Okay, which one's Steve-O? Is he the skinny one with a tattoo of himself on his forearm? Or the guy who lets his hair grow long from time to time? I don't know, I haven't seen a full episode of that show. It gives me anxiety.

  15. I think we need to get Blondie some professional help. Steve-O is not cute. Not. at. all.

    Bone, however, is a good looking guy. You know, from what I've seen of him in photos.

    I don't think the 2 look alike at all.

  16. Actually... has anyone ever told you you look like Jason Kendall? I donno about "triplet" status or anything there, but I think there is a strong resemblance.