Thursday, September 18, 2008

A bachelor looks at thread count

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" ~ Ernest Hemingway

I think I may have made a big mistake.

I purchased some new sheets this past weekend. They were of the higher thread count, extra soft variety. And now all I want to do is lie in bed. Granted, that's mostly all I wanted to do before, but now it's even worse.

Have I ever shared with you my deep affection for sleep? I love sleep. Literally love it. I think I could marry sleep. Really. I'd have no problems with the vows. In sickness and in health? Till death do us part? Please. I sleep when I'm sick. I sleep when I'm well. I'll sleep till I'm dead. I'll sleep dressed in red, said Fred.

Sleep and I have had a long relationship. At times we've been almost inseparable. When I was little--and by little I mean between the ages of seven and eighteen--it was so difficult to wake me that my mother resorted to dripping icy cold water on my face. In thirty-five years, n'er a day has passed that sleep and I haven't spent time together. I thought I knew love, er, sleep. But I didn't know anything until I met these extra soft high thread count sheets.

To me, sheets were always kinda like underwear. Just something to help keep you from getting itchy. Often, my parents would get me some for Christmas. And when I did buy my own, I went for the lowest price. After all they were just sheets, right? Oh, how naive I was.

Now, it's like sleeping on a happy, fluffy, velvety cloud in a Bob Ross painting. No, make that a velvety fog. Yes, that's it. It's like sleeping on Mel Torme's voice. Sometimes I just lie in bed and run my hands all over her, I mean, them. Throw in a new foam mattress pad and it's a horizontal Xanadu!

I may never get out of bed again, save to golf and work and go to Bama games. And work would totally be negotiable except that's the only way I can afford to do the other two. And by can, I mean, can't really but do anyway. The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just now discovering this. I've basically deprived myself of thirty-five years of velvet fog sleep that I can never get back.

Well, here's to making up for lost time. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to get out of bed in the morning already.

"I've been a-waiting for you most of my life. Now that we're together and we're where we belong, I can't help but wonder why, why did it take so long?"


  1. i have never indulged,, as i like you was of the assumption that sheets are just sheets.. (and my mom always made her high count egyptian cotton sound so haughty somehow...)i wanna try the high thread count you speak of,, but i fear i will never get out of bed!!!!!

  2. Funny post! Sheets do make a difference... in one post several years ago, written after a trip into the mountains of Honduras, I wrote about how the owner of the "hotel" (which is really stretching it) gave us new sheets for the beds... They were the worst sheets I've experienced, more like a nylon fishnet-maybe a thread count of 25!

  3. You know that commercial where Paul Sr. from American Chopper is heralding the praises of the Dirt Devil Shampooer?

    Yeah, this reminds me of that.

    Just curious, do go with the full sheet set, or just the fitted and comforter? I'm thinking of changing from the latter because of your post. A sandwich of Mel Torme's voice would be pretty hard to beat. 'Specially with a Bob Ross "happy little clouds" pillow.

    OOO- If I added "Tom Hanks Chick Flick" socks, I'd never go to work.

    Come by and see the place, I posted a pic of my new baby. Looking forward to rejoining the blogging race.

  4. oh Bone or should I call you Steve-O, :) ...i am glad i stopped by -your posts had me smiling esp, the one on school and sonic! But this one was the best...i enjoyed reading your love affair with sleep..

  5. I made the switch to high-thread sheets when I bought the queen bed last year when I moved. I could never go back.

    Just by yourself a laptop and you'll really never want to get out of bed.

    P.S. If Bob Ross is a genius with a paintbrush (and he is), you're a genius with humor writing.

  6. I love thread count! I have some sheet that are 600 thread count. Mmmmmmmmmm....

  7. Paisley - Yes, therein lies the danger. I do feel a little guilty ensconcing myself in such luxury.

    Sage - Well, mine aren't really even that high, I don't think. But the ones I used to buy didn't even have a thread count listed. I think they were just standard prison issue or something.

    Sylvia - I guess it's the full set. It comes with the fitted sheet, flat sheet, and two pillowcases.

    I will be by to visit shortly. Just remember, when you're smilin' the whole world smiles with you.

    UL - I'll answer to either :) Thanks for stopping by.

    Someone - Oh definitely. Once you go high thread, you can never go back. I cringe just thinking about it. It'd be like sleeping on sandpaper.

    Thank you.

    Hotpinksox - Wow. I don't see how you ever get out of bed at all. Mine aren't nearly that high. I weigh the cost of things now with how many rounds of golf I could play for that same price.

  8. Once you get nice sheets you can never sleep anything else. I introduced my boyfriend to the joy of nice bedding, and he had no idea how much of a difference it would make. Same with towels. Ahh, now I just want to curl up in my comfy bed!

  9. kinda like wrapping yourself in velvet isn't it? ;)

  10. mmmmm.....sleep.....

  11. Dude... I don't typically share thread-count info with other guys but I've got some 1200 count sheets on my workbench... er, bed.

  12. Coconut - I know the feeling. I don't think I can ever go back. My other priorities will just have to be rearranged.

    Renee - Haha. Yes, I kept thinking of George's "I would drape myself in velvet" line as I was writing this post.

    DC Chick - I just yawned.

    J-Mo - Oh wow. I had no idea they even made them that high. I'd have to sell an organ to afford those.

  13. this was so funny Bone!
    okay, now i need details!
    HOw many threads? what brand?
    I am needing Good sheets and NOT my 400 measly count sheet set from Kohl's.

  14. Picture Bone please.

    Also details of the shopping trip

    Particularly liked how your Mom threw ice water on your face. Something I have been known to do :)

  15. Your parents gave you sheets for Christmas?! That's worse than getting socks!

  16. I know what you mean about the high thread count sheets. The bed is SO comfy.

  17. Now I know what to do to get sleep again... and I thought I just needed a real bed.

    Maybe getting all that sleep is what makes you so agreeable?

    Seriously, how high a thread count did you go? I don't mind spending the money (though Leon might) but fear spending it for non-existent comfort.

  18. One of my gifts from my parents upon my completion of grad school was the most comfortable mattress set on Earth. I immediately went out and splurged on the most luxurious bedding that I could find. Each and every day it's a fight for me to get out of bed.

    I feel the pains you're going through! I'm so so so so so sorry, however, that it's taken you this long in life to discover the miracle of high-thread-count sheets.

    You need to find you a sugar momma to pay for your high thread counts, your golf addiction and season sky box tickets to Bama games - - and a private plane to get you there! ~grin~

  19. Water dripped on your face huh? My mom used a spray bottle. I thought that was bad until I got to college. The mother of one of my roommates used to put marbles in the freezer. In the morning, if my roommate wouldn't get up, the mom would grab a handful of marbles, lift the sheets, and just dump the marbles. Thing with marbles is they roll to the depression in the bed... or where my roommate's body was. What an awful way to greet the morning.

    I'm totally doing that to my kids.

  20. New sheets are great! My parents bought me some last year.

  21. No shame in your game-- embrace it!!

  22. If I had known in advance, I would've warned you about the high-thread count sheets. Be careful with them - they get holes faster. But they are so much softer. Maybe put them on your couch so you'll at least have another room to visit.

  23. Lucy - I have no idea what brand. Mine really aren't that high at all. It's just that they were a huge step up from what I was used to :)

    Pia - A picture of the sheets, me in the sheets, or me in the sheets against the backdrop of a Bob Ross painting?

    I didn't like that my Mom threw ice water in my face. I hated that worse than anything.

    R8chel - I think so. They could have been from Santa, though. I'm not sure.

    Sizzle - Someone should have told me about the sheets before now.

    Marcia - Haha. I don't sleep as much as I would like. Because in addition to loving sleep, I'm also a night owl, so I tend to stay up until 12:30 or 1 in the morning most nights. But I am agreeable :)

    Jen - No need to be jealous. You can have your own sleep wonderland.

    Avery - Nah, I don't need a private plane. I never want to become disconnected from the common folk :)

    Charlotta - Ooo, that's evil! She should write a parenting book.

    OK Chick - Oh good, so I'm not the only person who gets sheets from their parents. I was beginning to worry.

    Cami - I'm doing my best.

    C&J - Ooo, yes. Soft sheets on the couch. I love that idea! That way, I could still have people over.

  24. As Carmen & Jim said, you do wear holes in high-thread count sheets faster than you will in prison issue, but oh! OH! They're so soft! It's worth it, it really is. After we bought our first high-thread count sheet set, we immediately went out and bought a couple more.

    Most people spend more time in their bedroom (& in bed) than in any other room or item in the house, unless they're an old spinster who sits on the porch all day in her rocking chair, knitting something very, very long while balancing a double-barrel shotgun in her lap...wait....Get that train of thought back on its tracks! Where was I? So because you spend so much time in bed, shouldn't you spend a little extra money to make it as comfortable as possible?

  25. I hope you found someone to attend the Counting Crows concert in B'ham tonight and you're about to sing along to Mr. Jones in person. It was a good lyrical choice.