Thursday, April 10, 2008

Back with a bang

I had been wondering how I was going to get back into blogging after yet another short hiatus. It came to me around one o'clock this morning as I was lying in bed. For that's when I heard the vaguely familiar sound of a girl moaning, coming from next door thru the apparently-thinner-than-I-realized walls. My immediate thought was that my neighbor had a girl over there.

Almost instinctively, I grabbed a glass and placed it against the wall so that I could hear better. I'm kidding. The glasses were all the way downstairs and I wasn't about to get out of bed to go get one.

Still, what could I do, bang on the wall in some sort of universal shushing signal? I never want to be that person. So as much as I would have liked to drift off to sleep as I normally do--to the soothing sounds of Scott Van Pelt and John Buccigross giving baseball highlights on Sportscenter--I simply couldn't block out the moans.

I laid there and waited, and waited, for what felt like half an hour but in reality was probably closer to five or ten minutes. In situations involving disturbment of the peace, I've found that time tends to crawl when you're not a participant in the noise making activity, whatever it may be.

The moaning went on and on as my mind began to wander. How long could this possibly last? Whatever was going on over there, she seemed to be quite good at it. Maybe a little too good.

And there it was.

As I am prone to do, I began to overanalyze the situation. That was a road I would come to wish I had never ventured down. The moans sounded a bit too perfect to me. Too practiced. Too professional. So I was left to ponder that age old question: is it live or is it Cinemax?

With that thought, horrible and permanently scarring images suddenly appeared, causing me to shudder as if my bare hand had just brushed up against the side of a urinal. And the fact that my neighbor's name is indeed Rocky only seemed to make things fifty times worse. As quickly as I thought it, I tried to erase it from my mind. Eww, make it stop.

Finally, it did.

The only slightly redeeming part of the evening was that I never heard a male voice mixed in with the female moaning. I did hear a guy's voice afterward but couldn't tell if it was live or on TV. I heard what sounded like water running a couple of times, or maybe it was a toilet flushing. Then at last, there was only Sportscenter.

And to think, I always figured the most disturbing thing about my neighbor would be the plastic dog with the solar lantern hanging from its mouth sitting outside his front door.

On a completely unrelated note, my neck is really sore today.

"She bop, he bop, a-we bop. I bop, you bop, a-they bop..."


  1. no way!!! I'm first? On this post? So was she faking it?

  2. I love the detail & stream of thought with your story. Is your neck hurting from craning? ;-)

    I like to imagine that it was professional non-cinemax. That would make things so much more sordid - you could really start to wonder about the guy and his character. Melrose Place all over again..

  3. The urinal comment was hilarious.

    But do you think it was just porn he was watching? Um, ew. Let's not go there- the visual.

  4. hilarious! Is your neck pain related to eavesdropping activities...

  5. back with a bang??? i should say so ... welcome back bone.. glad everything turned out a ok in daddy bone-ville....

    and i wouldn't be shaking hands with rocky anytime soon....

  6. Okay, ewwww. :)

    I have a very creepy next door neighbor, and I hope to never hear anything like that through the wall. I'd probably wonder who he kidnapped. ;)

  7. soothing sounds of Scott Van Pelt and John Buccigross giving baseball highlights on Sportscenter

    I actually never wondered what you thought about before going to sleep

    Was there an encore?

    The cinemax line was great also

    And only you would suffer permanent scarring and compare it being brushed...a urinal

    A world of Bone's making is a fantastic voyage somewhere

  8. Whatever was going on over there, she seemed to be quite good at it.

    Um, if she was the one moaning, I think that means HE was quite good at it ;)

    (Or she was faking it. Or it was on TV. But you already thought of those two things.)

    Perhaps they were making their own Cinemax film...? Oh sorry, didn't mean to give you more horrifying things to consider. O:)

    Btw, if that noise is only "vaguely familar," then perhaps you need to have a girl of your own over to visit... and then you can have the "Oh Bone" vs. "Oh Rocky" contest. No? Good... just the name is kinda freaky.

  9. I knew a guy named Rocky. His voice was higher than mine. Perhaps he was mo...never mind.

  10. Renee - I couldn't tell. But I called Patty Lawrence. She had 'em!

    Writerkat - That thought actually crossed my mind, too. But I never heard anyone leave. Don't they usually leave after?

    Sizzle - Exactly. Now you see why I shuddered and continue to do so. It's best not to ponder it too much.

    Jujee - My neck pain is from being in an awkward position for too long :)

    Paisley - Oh believe me, I don't plan on it. To be honest, I don't even really want to see him.

    Carmen - Wait, is this the Carmen? Click, click, click. Yes, it is! Good to see you around!

    Pia - I doubt it. From the sounds of things, either she was exhausted, or the movie was over.

    OK, so honestly it doesn't compare to brushing your hand up against a urinal. Very little does.

    TC - Well, he does seem to keep odd hours. Maybe he's a porn actor and his stage name is Buck Naked.

    Well you know, I haven't had Cinemax since I was like fourteen.

    Charlotta - Ewww! Thanks for that. No, really.

  11. I have been in this situation before...but it went on for over an hour and I had no problem being THAT person!

  12. Dude, you totally caught Rocky in a private moment with Adult on Demand.

  13. welcome back, this is great, here I've also been hearing moaning when trying to listen to sports... Love making? Not a chance. Tiger fans!

  14. Ugh, I hate it when this happens and I'm not a participant! LOL!! Someone told me a story once, similar to yours. Except this person was staying at a hotel and the neighbor was a gentleman (apparently alone) in his room watching a "movie." She could even hear him take a tissue out of the box when everything was done. LOL!!! Those are some thin walls!!

  15. Welcome back Kotter.. I mean bone.

    Seriously, happy day.

  16. sorry, dude.

    I'll try to be quieter next time, K?

    (isn't that one you'de really hate to read?)

    So, whatever the dealie was, here's the cure.
    Just make noise yourself.
    Well, not moaning noises, though, if you're up for the theater, what the hey, eh?

    But, maybe just whistle while you work, as it were.

    If they're live over there, probably the girl will tend to hush things down some.

    What I'm hoping here is, that while this was going on and all, you weren't...uh.... y'know. Doing things that would make us wonder if we should shake your hand...

  17. Love this! hahaha I guess Rocky wasn't watching Rocky! More like When Rocky met sally! Great humor bone, Next time just turn up your own volume! :))

  18. Coconut - An hour? Yeah, I probably would have been that person, too, after an hour. Hurry up, already.

    Java Boo Boo - Thanks, bro. It's good to be back.

    Scarlet Hip - I did, didn't I? I was hoping against hope that wasn't it. But no one moans that perfectly.

    Sage - Rocky gets quite spirited during sporting events, too.

    Carnealian - Yeah, this whole experience has made me question what exactly my neighbors can hear.

    Shelby - Ah, I love that show!

    Boneman - Haha. Yes, it is. The thought did cross my mind that he might read my blog. I mean, how many Rocky's can there be?

    Hotpink - You're assuming there was a "them." :)

    Lucy - Haha. No, I don't think he was watching Rocky. I don't seem to recall any scenes with Adrian moaning.