Sunday, February 24, 2013

I thought Channing Tatum was a girl

Travel back with me if you will, to a land before Twitter.  In those dark recesses of 2006, the only way to instantaneously get your virtual thoughts about a major event to the world was by live blogging.

It was a somewhat laborious process, and one that I will demonstrate here for all posterity, by live-blogging tonight's Oscars.

Now, I should preface this by saying I am not a movie person.  In Trivial Pursuit, entertainment/movies is always my final pie piece.  I'll be up like five pie pieces to one, then have to wait and hope to get a question like "What does E.T. stand for" or "What was the sequel to Home Alone called?"

So this will probably be something like if 2 Chainz live-blogged the Country Music Awards, except with less profanity.  Some profanity, just less.

7:37 PM - Getting a late start.  Sorry.

7:39 PM - I have no idea who this host guy is.  Looks kinda like Jon Cryer and Dr. Patrick Drake from General Hospital had a kid.

7:40 PM - OK, that boobs song was stupid.  And I'm a boob fan!

7:44 PM - Has Adele already sung?  Because if so, I may have a tough time sitting through three hours of this.

7:47 PM - Time for our first award of the evening.  Finally!  And it goes to... some guy I've never heard of, not surprisingly.  Kristoff Holtz?  (Bone trivia: One of my favorite songwriters is Kris Kristofferson.)

7:48 PM - Oh, according to Twitter, that should have been Christoph Waltz.  Why was I trying to make him Russian?

7:51 PM - Paul Rudd is announcing something!  I know him!

7:52 PM - Paperman just won something.  I'll let you guess whether or not I've seen that one.  (Bone trivia: Paperboy was one of my favorite Nintendo games.)

7:59 PM - This guy is wearing a kilt!  Not judging, just stating.

8:01 PM - Ooo, I've heard of three of the nominees in this category!  Django Unchained, Skyfall, and Lincoln.  I bet none of them win.

8:01:22 PM - None of them won.

8:02 PM - Just an aside: I don't know anything about movies, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Lincoln was probably a slightly better film than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, if not as historically accurate.

8:04 PM - Another aside: I have never seen a single James Bond movie.  Well, unless you count Austin Powers.

8:07 PM - Life Of Pi?  I haven't the faintest clue what that could be about.  Though it does remind me of my freshman year of college, which I sometimes refer to as Death By Calculus.

8:09 PM - I think I always thought Channing Tatum was a girl!!  Suddenly, I'm totally reevaluating the mental image I have of Dakota Fanning.

8:14 PM - Anna Karenina is just now being made into a movie??  Tolstoy.  There's a tough read.   My brain is hurting just thinking about it.

8:23 PM - Halle Berry!  I liked her in Flintstones.

8:27 PM - Am I the only one thoroughly enjoying all these George Clooney crowd shots?  I think not.  I gotta tell you though, back in the Facts Of Life days, I never saw this coming.  I always thought Nancy McKeon had the brightest star.  Or Charlotte Rae.

8:31 PM - I have no idea who this lady singing is.  Some song about a spider's touch?

8:32 PM - According to Xinh, my resident Gchat movie expert, that is Shirley Bassey.  And just to be sure, I google imaged Shirley Bassey for the first time in my life. Yep, that's her.

8:53 PM - And... we're back!  Sorry.  Had to take a break there.  Actually, I found a site where you can play Paperboy online.  OK, that's a lie.  I simply lost interest.  This show has really gone downhill ever since Kilt Guy. 

8:54 PM - John Travolta!!!  Loved him in Welcome Back, Kotter.  I wonder what in the world he's been up to these last forty years.

8:58 PM - Jennifer Hudson, I've heard of her.  Not really sure what she sings, but wow, what a voice!

9:01 PM - I'm suffering from Adele-.... what's the opposite of fatigue?

9:02 PM - Vigor, according to  Adele-vigor?  That doesn't sound right.

9:04 PM - If they're gonna do all this Les Miserables stuff, could they at least do "Master Of The House?"  It's the only one I know. 

9:05 PM - Worst part about live-blogging the Oscars?  Having to italicize all the movie titles.  But I can't not italicize them!  Something very bad would happen.  I'm sure of it.

9:10 PM - OK, they just trotted the talking teddy bear out on stage.  I'm not sure how much longer I can watch this garbage.

9:15 PM - If I ever won an award, a teddy bear and Mark Wahlberg would probably hand it to me.  That'd be my luck.

9:16 PM - We have a tie!  A tie?  What a crock!  Next year, why don't we just give out participation ribbons to all the nominees.

9:17 PM - The teddy bear is gone.  Thank God.  I never thought I'd be so happy to see this Patrick Cryer guy in my life.

9:20 PM - Call it Oscar blogger's intuition, but sometimes I get the feeling you actually have to watch movies to get some of these jokes.

9:21 PM - Just a heads-up, if and when Adele finally sings, I'm probably going to bed.  I know it's only 7:30 in California, but some of us here in the heartland have to go to work in the morning.  Besides, Adele pretty much sings me to sleep every night anyway.  Sometimes gentle sobbing is involved.

9:24 PM - Anne Hathaway!  She was tantalizing in Devil Wears Prada.... I heard.

9:25 PM - Xinh says she probably got her start in The Princess Diaries.  If only it had been The Princess Bride.  I've seen that.

9:28 PM - Is it just me, or are the same six movies nominated for everything?

9:31 PM - Sandra Bullock!  I've seen at least three of her movies!  You cannot say that about very many actresses.  It's a short list.  The only ones that come to mind at present are Sandra Bullock, Michelle Pfeiffer, Meg Ryan, and the woman who played Adrian in the Rocky movies.

9:34 PM - Jennifer Lawrence?  There are way too many Jennifers for me to keep up with.  Of course, even one would be a challenge.

9:38 PM - Ladies and gentlemen... Adele!!!  That's gonna do it for this year's Oscars.  I'm pretty sure that's all the big awards anyway.  I don't know about you, but I think that went remarkably well considering I've seen exactly one movie that came out in the past year.  Let's have one more token round of applause for our host, the incomparable Patrick Cryer.  He may not have always been funny, but I rather enjoyed his demeanor.

See you next year! 

OK, probably not.

"You take the good / You take the bad / You take them both / And there you have / The facts of life..."


  1. Next year, we'll do a live podcast or something (I don't know how these things work). Then it can be 3 hours of me asking if you lived in a cave and 3 hours of you asking which Jennifer that is. :)

  2. I think you are the only person on the planet who watched that.

  3. I watched the entire Oscars but then I am a moviephile or whatever the correct term is. I always make it a point to watch every movie nominated for the best picture category. So far I have seen Argo which was excellent and Beasts of the Southern Wild which was also good. In fact, since I started watching all those best picture nominations thanks to Netflix, I can't think of one that I was disappointed with.

    Some people complain that the academy is full of old white guys that have similar tastes but since I am a white guy getting older and must have similar tastes to them, I'm not one complaining.

  4. Important observations:

    --I appreciate your understanding that italicizing every movie title IS important

    --I had Nancy McKeon pegged as FACTS OF LIFE'S lasting luminary, as well

    --You went to bed before Ben Affleck gestured towards his wife and told a billion people that his marriage is "work"

  5. Xinh - I think "Name That Jennifer" would be a great segment.

    MarkD60 - Well, I had to have something to blog about.

    Ed - OK, if we're ever involved in a Trivial Pursuit game together and we're playing teams, we'll pair up and you can handle the movies/entertainment category.

    Also, I didn't know anyone actually watched any of the films that are nominated for Oscars until after the Oscars.

    Jocelyn - I appreciate your appreciation. McKeon was probably typecast after that. It happens to the best of them.

  6. Ben Affleck doing someone on the side? Ah, I get it - she is!

    Meh, I usually catch the "highlights" on the breakfast news, and even then my eyes always start to glaze over. The only films I get around to watching these days are on SKY, SO I'm always three years behind anyway..

  7. I thought Nancy McKeon was going to be the star too.

    It took me 20 seconds to remember William Shatner's name and 15 seconds to remember Jack Nicholson's (audience shot) Very very worried about me

    Loved Daniel Day Lewis and Michelle Obama. Maybe next year the President can have a role

  8. I watched some of the Oscars (against my will...hubby had control of the remote)! I had a lot of the same thoughts as you although I don't have any attraction to boobs. ;)

  9. Channing Tatum is the hot guy from the stripper movie, Magic Mike. (Incidentally, one of two movies I saw in the theater in 2012.) And no, I don't mean Matthew McCona...whatever. His annoyingness outweighs his hotness IMO.

  10. So, Hulu has this year's Oscar ceremony available for viewing so I went back and watched the parts that I missed.

    Shirley Bassey was singing the theme song from Goldfinger. I can't believe you've never seen a single Bond movie. I know you have Netflix. You need to start using it to watch more stuff than old 80s tv shows.

  11. Thanks for bringing me up to date on the Oscars. I don't watch them, as there is something about folks patting themselves on the back that tends to make me furious.

  12. Nintendo's Paperboy was the coolest game ever, followed closely by Intellivision's Burgertime!

  13. I did not make it as far as Adele. Wait, wait, wait--you've never seen a Bond film? Seriously? The only film I made it to this year was Silver Linings Playbook, and that was very good. I'm very curious about how they pulled off Life of Pi (strange read, that one), and I really want to see Lincoln. Isn't it surprising that with all that talent in one place, the Oscars can't be more entertaining? Yeah, the teddy bear was ridiculous, the Shatner clips too long.

  14. Shrinky - I don't usually watch, either. Actually, I don't even normally catch the highlights. But that three years behind thing... that's me, in so many areas.

    Pia - Jack Nicholson was there??? :) Most of those crowd shots, I hadn't the slightest clue who they were showing.

    Renee - Good to know. Not that there's anything wrong with that :) As I was watching, I kept thinking about Kramer's role as a seat-filler at the Tony's, but never could seem to work it into my post.

    TC - And no, I don't mean Matthew McCona...whatever. His annoyingness outweighs his hotness IMO.

    Preach it, sister!

    Xinh - Hey, I watched some Doris Day movie the other night. Well, fell asleep about halfway through, but I'm counting it.

    Sage - You're welcome. Let me know if there's anything else you don't watch and would like a review of. I'm clearly in need of blog ideas here.

    Murf - The NES was the greatest video game console of all time, IMO. Wow, I had forgotten about Intellivision! I never had one of those. Just an Atari 2600.

    Actonbell - Yeah, I kinda want to see Lincoln. Coincidentally, I had watched some special on Lincoln (the President, not the movie) the night before the Oscars. I think I tend to gravitate more towards hour-long History Channel and A&E stuff rather than movies.

  15. Haha... Okay... I have to get movies In Trivie to even have a shot ??!!
    If you DO venture into a theater this year... Try silver linings PLAYBOOK ...with that jennifer girl!!! I loved it!!