Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A show for the aged

Most of us probably have a few select tours we'd like see before we set sail for that great mosh pit in the sky. 

A Wham! reunion tour.  Miami Sound Machine.  DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince "Grandparents Just Don't Understand Tour."  (What?  I have mine.  You have your own.)

We sit around whiling away the hours in our workaday lives, just hoping for the day when we hear the news that our favorite band has gotten back together.

But then sometimes a tour comes along that is so amazing, so completely out of left field, that you didn't even know to wish for it.  It is truly beyond your wildest concert dreams.

That tour has arrived.

That's right, boys and girls... mostly girls.  Motownphilly, back again!  Turns out it's not so hard to say hello to yesterday.  You just thought it was the end of the road.  The nineties called, they want their boomsauce back!  

I've a mind to pull out my Batman t-shirt (a la Jordan Knight in the "I'll Be Loving You Forever" video).  And if I had enough hair, I'd totally rock a 1992 Boys II Men fade!  (As opposed to the slightly-modified Brandon Walsh "James Dean" 'do I unfortunately attempted to rock from 1991 until 1999.)

Boys II Men.  A band that needs no introduction.  And that's a good thing because I don't think I ever knew any of their names anyway.

But I did have their first tape.  Cooleyhighharmony.  The name says it all, really.  

When asked what the band had been up to, lo, these many years, one nameless band member said matter-of-factly, "Well... growing into men, as the name would suggest."

He continued, saying the guys were glad to be back to being Boys II Men after a couple of failed name changes.  "Men Reliving Their Past just didn't work for us.  The only people who showed up at our concerts were forty-year-old guys in football and softball uniforms.  And they didn't know the words to any of our songs."

When asked about their touring partners, this nameless member was only complimentary.  "We are honored to be touring with five middle-aged white guys from Boston.  It's not every day we get a chance to tour with someone whose last #1 hit was longer ago than ours."

Speaking of those "kids" from Beantown, I don't think I have to tell you my feelings about NKOTB.  I mean, my Where Are They Now post may very well have been the impetus for their first reunion tour in 2008.  (Dear World, You're welcome.  Signed, Bone.)

Unable or willing to reach any of the New Kids for comment, we imagine Donnie Wahlberg might have said, "Well, you know, no one really has any idea what movies I've been in.  To be honest, I can't even remember them myself.  But when I tell people I'm Donnie D, well, first they look kinda confused.  But after a couple of minutes of gentle coercion, eventually they're like, 'Oh!  You're one of the New Kids who hardly ever sang lead!'  I mean, you can't put a price on that.  When I'm dead and gone, that's something I can put on my tombstone.  By the way, speaking of tombstones, I now have a tombstone engraving business on the side -- I call it, Donnie D's Famous Last Words -- and I CAN put a price on all your grave marker needs."

And then there's 98 Degrees.  

Look, I gotta be honest.  I always get them mixed up with N'Sync and Backstreet Boys.  

On SongPop, I mean.

When some girl I'm playing against picks the Boy Bands category, I mean...

I always questioned why they didn't just use the degree symbol in their name?  Did they not have character map back then?  98°.  How cool would that have been!  Heck, they'd probably still be popular if I'd been in charge of their logo.

So if you're like me and have no clue what 98 Degrees sang, well there's only one way to find out -- besides the internet.  And asking someone.  And that way is, going to see them in concert.

Actually, I was kinda hoping they'd be the opening act and I could skip their part of the show.  But now I'm thinking what if Nick Lachey is doing a meet-and-greet, I'll probably want to get there early to get a place in line.

This is just the kind of tour that keeps that tiny, glimmering shard of hope alive that somehow, someday, Wham! might slip on the ol' "Choose Life" t-shirts one more time.  (Andrew?  George?  Come on, guys, none of us are getting any younger.)

And without hope, life would be... well, I shudder to think.

(Disclaimer: All interviews in the preceding post are fake.  The interviewees are real, in that they are real people.  But they are not real, in that they were not really interviewed by the real interviewer, who is me.  Those who were fake interviewed for this post did not necessarily say the quotes attributed to them, although that's not to say they couldn't have, had they actually been posed these very questions for real, which they were not.)

"Back in school we used to dream about this every day / Could it really happen / Or do dreams just fade away..."


  1. I think you might have to wait a while for the Wham! reunion as George Michael is in jail. Or was. Either way, I don't think that reunion's going to happen soon.

    I could probably name 2 songs by 98 Degrees but I couldn't tell you who the other two guys who aren't the Lacheys are. One of them is named Jeff, I think.

    I wonder how NKOTB got in on this. I'm guessing the Boys II Men/98 Degrees connection is because Nick and Shawn were both on The Sing Off. I thought NKOTB was doing their thing with the BSB. I guess that didn't work out.

  2. First of all, may I just say: freaking hilarious. And I don't know why, but the character map line? By far the best. I mean, almost crying laughing.

    I had to go back and re-read my post about the concert I went to a couple years ago ( as I'm sure you don't remember) before I could comment on this. Good memories :)

    The first boy I ever went on a date with had a Boyz II Men CD. I mocked him greatly for it. Just sayin'.

    But please, answer the question praying on all our minds: Have you bought your tickets yet???

  3. Also, I am not buying the fact that girls you play against are the ones who pick the 90s boy bands category on Song Pop. Good try - but no.

    As evidence, I submit articles One (your post referencing too many boy bands with far too much knowledge), Two (your "where are they now post?") and Three (Your "Team OMG So jealous" comment).

  4. Tickets were ordered this morning. SO EXCITED!!!! Be jealous.

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  6. When pop groups that were popular in your 30's and 40's have their reunion tours see how excited you get (yawn)But NKOTB had great dolls

    Every time a Donnie Wahlberg movie opens I know what I'm not going to see

    But the Millennials seem to celebrate all eras and types of musi. I think they were listening to music they didn't want their parents to know about through the Ipod headphones because it was too similiar or in better taste then the music their parents listened to!

  7. Xinh - Really? I noticed he hadn't tweeted in a while. I dunno, but from the looks of the banner, NKOTB may be headlining this. I would've thought Boys II Men would be bigger maybe.

    TC - A CD? Pfft. What a rookie. I had the cassette! That's hard core. Actually, I remember feeling unsure about playing a NKOTB tape on a first date with a girl. But I did and she went out with me a second time (but not a third), which when you think about it, is pretty remarkable.

    Hey, your blog called. It's having abandonment issues.

    TC again - (Wow, this is like the old days.) I almost always lose the Boy Band category. Honest! OK, I can usually decipher if it's NKOTB or Backstreet Boys. But after that, I'm lost.

    Cami Smith - How did you hear about this before me??? And DIDN'T tell me about it??? And don't use that tired old "Well, you're a thirty-something-year-old man, I didn't figure you'd care" excuse. Been there, heard that.

    Pia - Haha. Yes, I imagine the excitement will have waned a bit by then. I forgot they had dolls!

    Well he is the reason Bruce Willis saw dead people. At least, part of the reason.

  8. Good Gawd your are young! you old stuff is so new I never even liked it in the first place!

  9. I too was excited when I heard this and just a tad bit sad that the 4th member of Boyz II Men (a.k.a. the one with the deep voice) isn't part of it. Have you noticed how SongPop misspells 98 Degrees name? It bugs me every time I see it pop up as a choice.

  10. By the way...don't listen to the new NKOTB song. It will put a damper on your excitement about this tour. Consider yourself warned.

  11. lol...this made me laugh. Have you pre-ordered your tickets yet, Bone? Front row, I'm assuming? :D

    I watched Blue Bloods for months before realizing that the one son was "that guy from NKOTB". I knew he looked familiar!

    P.S. Boyz II Men are opening the show, which means that 98 Degrees are second in line. Yep, I saw their big announcement on The View. :)

  12. I was in a bad mood when I first read it. Though I stand by my comment--especially the doll part, actually there was a store in Manhattan that only sold NKTB stuff---your post is freaking hilarious
    I'm still in a bad mood but it cheered me up
    The writing in your post that is not the subject matter.
    Which makes me feel as if I have one foot in the grave.
    My boy bands were the Beatles, Stones--you know classical music.
    Though I'm still totally infatuated with ? of ? & the mysterians--96 tears--best pop song ever--my first concert without my parents. Teen club in Greenwich Village --we tried getting high on coke and aspirin

  13. TC, I have the Boy Band category on Song Pop and usually use that category to score a win against Bone if I need it (he uses Country to score against me).

  14. I am feeling way old reading this... I was thinking I'd be reading about the Rolling Stones or the Who's new tour and no, it's a group that came out not when I was in elementary school, but when I had been out of college a few years... Thanks Bone, for making my bones ache! :)

  15. MarkD60 - You probably feel about these bands like I do about Justin Bieber, Carrie Underwood, et al.

    Murf - Yeah, that'd be like if NKOTB came back without Danny. #devastating

    I've not noticed that. How does SongPop spell it?

    Consider yourself warned.

    That reminds me of the Seinfeld where Kramer goes on strike at the bagel shop and sabotages the steam valve and Elaine's inside. So he calls and tells her, "You've been warned."

    HappyTchr - Are they back together? I'm still waiting on their O3 album!

    Sherri B - I've never watched Blue Bloods. I wasn't aware he was on there!

    What?!?! Apparently my view of the order of these bands' importance disagrees with the rest of the world's :)

    Pia - And by coke, you mean, Cola? :)

    Xinh - Yes, you would be the "some girl" referred to above.

    Sage - Who is The Who? :) Kidding.

  16. FYI...SongPop identifies them as just '98'.