Thursday, November 12, 2009

Back on the blogging wagon, liberally dispensing parental advice

I think I must have needed some time to decompress following the phenomenon that was Blogtober. But don't think there hasn't been plenty going on, because there has -- depending on your definition of plenty. Not the least of which is that I'm drinking again.

Coffee, that is.

That's right, I'm back on the java wagon. (Or is it off the wagon?) All aboard the Colombian Express. I believe you know our wagon master, Mister Juan Valdez.

It all started a few weeks ago in the midst of my up-every-night-until-at-least-1-AM phase when I was certain the TV gods were conspiring to put irresistible programming on just as I was getting ready to lie down. I mean, Rocky I coming on at 12:30 in the morning? That's not happenstance, people. One morning I was feeling especially tired so I stopped on the way to work and got a large coffee.

I've only had two previous bouts with coffee addiction and neither lasted very long. One was in high school which I barely remember, and the other was three or four years ago when I discovered lattes. I would stop on my way to work every morning. At first, there was a cute female barista who I looked forward to seeing. Then this guy took over and I would think to myself, "This guy seems pretty cool" or "I wonder how you get to be a barista." It's like he replaced the girl and I hardly noticed because all I cared about was the latte. It was actually kinda scary. Am I talking fast? It's very hard to tell.

In other less exciting news -- if that's even possible -- I bought a brace for my ankle the other day, at Kroger. Where else would one go for all of one's self-diagnosed medical needs?

This is the same ankle that I messed up sliding into second base during a fall league softball game in 2004. I never played softball again. Though that really doesn't have anything to do with the injury, I just haven't been asked to be on a team since then.

The orthopedist I saw at the time basically did nothing. He took a few X-Rays, sold me an air cast, charged me a fortune and said I'd be fine. I kept asking him was if he sure I didn't need surgery. Yes, he was. My ankle has never been exactly right since.

I should probably include some sort of disclaimer here so as to avoid any kind of defamation charges. Let's see... No representation is made that the quality of medical services performed was greater than the quality of medical services performed at your average slaughterhouse.

Anyway, my ankle would ache occasionally and be sore after a run but never caused any significant problems until a few weeks ago. That's when a sudden and immense pain brought my evening run in the park to an abrupt end. Now, some might say I have a low tolerance for pain, but I prefer to think of it as having a heightened sensitivity to all stimuli. Almost super-human really. I always require at least three shots of Novocaine at the dentist's before I stop kicking violently. They love me there.

I tried resting it for a week or so, but that didn't seem to help. So I've been taping it up with some athletic tape (also available at Kroger and other fine grocery stores everywhere). That's been working OK, but it's a hassle. So I'm looking forward to trying out my new ankle brace. Excited, even. Nothing makes a runner want to run more than not being able to run.

Before we close today, I'd like to broach a rather serious topic. Recently, the decision was made to allow Kywana Jr. to have her own Facebook account. Now I was not consulted on the decision. However, since she is sort of my god-niece or something, I felt compelled to investigate the situation.

I mean, why should I let my vast reservoir of knowledge and opinions about parenting go to waste simply because I have not managed to impregnate anyone up until and including today? Besides, is there anything people like more than receiving unsolicited advice on how to raise their children?

The following IM conversation occurred between myself and the female portion of Kywana last week as I was checking over Kywana Jr.'s Facebook friend list. I noticed a gray-haired man that looked alarmingly out of place. He appeared to be in his 50s or 60s, somewhat strange to see on the friend list of a ten-year-old girl, no? I sprang into action.

Bone: You better keep a watch on her.
Bone: Do we know this Bob Paine guy?
Bone: Sounds a little shady to me. (Also sounds made up.)

FPK (female portion of Kywana): He's my pastor.

Bone: Oh.
Bone: Well, I suppose that's OK.
Bone: Just keep an eye on him. Could all be a ruse.

"I don't drink as much as I used to. Lately, it just ain't my style. And the hard times don't hurt like they ought to. They pass quicker, like when I was a child..."


  1. Welcome to old age when past injuries come back to life again. For me, it is my knee. I can't wait to see what comes back to visit in say another ten years.

  2. This post was hilarious! I would highlight the best lines, but there are too many. (And I haven't mastered that on the Crackberry.)

    The coffee paragraph reminded me of the SBTB episode where Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills. :)

    Oh and I think everyone gives unsolicited advice-kids, relationships, jobs, everything. And at least your comment was funny :-)

  3. Hello Bone~ i totally relate to your ankle needing a brace as i've had some trouble with my hand lately. wal- mart is a savior. have a great weekend.

  4. This post melded together like a good winter stew. It became funnier and funnier though I loved
    think I must have needed some time to decompress following the phenomenon that was Blogtober
    I'm sure you needed at least 12 hours in bed consecutively

    Welcome to the world of coffee. I didn't start drinking it regularly until I was in my 30's and now.....

  5. I hope that your coffee isn't too hot and you end up with free coffee for life...better get Johnny on retainer!

    are you sure you don't need a motorized scooter for that ankle?

    and for the parenting a parent I have to say that getting advise from non-parents is the WORST! What's so funny is that non-parents like to spew off all this advise like they're experts and then when they finally become parents they NEVER follow any of it of course because they know what a load of manure it was! Which by the way you can buy at Oxfarm for only $12!

  6. too funny about the caffine addiction- I'm the same way during bouts of caffine I'm either a junkie or not. I could be that way about other addictions- If I was a smoker- I'd be a chain smoker, If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic, It's all about saying when to say when, but in the case of my chocolate addiction- that is one I admit to and have the stack of three musketeer wrapers to prove it!

    You stayed up to watch one of the greatest love stories ever told on cinema- Rocky I !!!
    I was on the news last week being interviewed and in true redneck fashion I had to hold back saying something like, "Yo, It's me Daily Panic!"

  7. Ed - Yes, I've so been looking forward to the say I'd be able to say, "My ankle is flaring up again."

    I'm sure it's been said better by those much more eloquent than I, but getting old sucks.

    TC - Well, thank you.

    Ah, Jesse Spano. "I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so... scared." A great moment in TV history.

    Michelle Johnson - Sorry to hear about your hand. I'm not sure I'm all that excited that we can commiserate with each other about our aches and pains :)

    Pia - Hey, 12 hours in bed consecutively is very underrated! :)

    And now... and now what? Don't leave me hanging. What do I have to look forward to?

    Renee - Hey, I'd never turn down a free Rascal. Besides, I've been getting junk mail from the Scooter Store for years.

    Hahaha. Well, I think that's true with most anything. It's easy for some people to give advice or spew their opinion when they've never been in a particular situation. Quite often a different story if they ever find themselves there.

    Daily Panic - You keep the wrappers? :)

    3 Musketeers are definitely in my Top Five candy bars. Right up there with Butterfinger, Reese's... I'll have to get back to you on the other two.

    I did. I stayed up until 3 o'clock one morning watching that.

  8. Thw even funnier part about you asking about the person on Facebook is that he married us, and you were in our wedding, so you should have known who he was! :)

  9. I don't drink much coffee....unless it's cold. Not cold outdoors - but iced & cold in my cup! Starbucks Blended Caramel Frappuccino - give it a try! {Call me crazy but I like cold foods and drinks more in the winter than the summer - cold coffee, ice cream, cold beer, well that's good in any weather!}
    Great all over post Bone! I was laughing out loud on several occasions and got some funny looks from my co-workers. Reese Cups are my favorite candy and yes, I like them cold - right out of the freezer! But I swear, I'm a warm person, not cold-hearted! {just in case my comments suggest otherwise!} :)

  10. Old age and old injuries make life very painful.

    Love the coffee references even though I don't drink coffee.

  11. Good post, Bone. You know, coffee is no longer on the list of bad things for you... And it's a pain getting old and having to deal with injuries of long ago.

  12. Mrs. R - Oh well, you know how crazy wedding days are. I was nervous. I'm surprised I even remembered my tux.

    Plus, that was two years ago. I'm sure he's changed a lot since then :)

    Small Town Girl - Ooo, I like Reese's out of the refrigerator. I've never tried them in the freezer.

    Thanks. I'm glad it made you laugh :)

    PennyCandy - I'm sure my current coffee phase won't last long. Last time, I stopped because of the cost. I was spending $4 a day, 5 days a week, for a latte. Of course, now that I'm on regular coffee, it's a little more affordable.

    Sage - Thank you. Is it really not bad for you anymore? Oh, I gotta google this.

  13. I'm mostly on the receiving end of the old coffee high being mostly a tea drinker myself. Dave drinks abnormal amounts of coffee on a fairly regular basis. It hurts.

  14. the latte story reminded me of the time george is interested in the girl in the camera store and 'poses' for when she develops his film.. only to have the Big guy be the new clerk.
    That coffee thing can be hazardous! I've been getting palpations but before I listen to my doc and see a cardiologist.. I am just trying to ween myself off the Java. I swear my voice is down an octave.
    Loved your post Tbone!
    good luck with that ankle

  15. 10:46 p.m., you gave up on the idea of impregnating someone on Thursday? You still had like...I don't feel like doing the math but well over 60 minutes and you gave up?!? Come on, Bone.

    That's my pep talk of the day.

  16. I'm glad your resting up and feel strong enough to blog again....;)

    Take care of the leg, this was fun. i am still not convinced an old Pastor should be part of anyone's online social network but that is just me.

  17. I hope your ankle gets better! That sucks.

    FB is a curious thing, isn't it? I'm there because I have so many family members there, but now my young coworkers have friended me, and I'm not sure why--it's just the young women, and they do the friending. I'd feel strange friending them. Actually, I just feel strange:)

    Coffee is good in the morning!

  18. Now, some might say I have a low tolerance for pain, but I prefer to think of it as having a heightened sensitivity to all stimuli.

    Bone, this is brilliant...thank you for giving me the perfect response to my lifelong sensitivity issues! I love it. lol

    I'm so sorry about your ankle...I felt bad laughing about your situation while reading, but you kind of do that to people with you hilarious posts. :P

  19. Awww look at you being a good God-Uncle.

    SO my Starbucks "friends"-aka barsista know my real name and blogger name. Yes, one of my normal barista's found my blog.

    Thanks for the update!

  20. It was very interesting for me to read this article. Thank you for it. I like such themes and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read more on that blog soon.

  21. J Adamthwaite - Ah yes, that old familiar story: girl meets boy, boy drinks abnormal amounts of coffee... um, not sure what comes next :)

    Lucy - Ah yes, photo store Sheila. Too bad I didn't have Cosmo to take some shirtless photos of me. I could have "accidentally" left one lying around the coffee shop.

    Murf - This sounds about like the pep talk Kramer gave Elaine right before she put the urban sombrero on the cover of the J. Peterman Catalog :)

    Cooper - This was fun. Yeah, my general rule is to deny friend requests from any and all members of the clergy.

    Actonbell - Well, from what I've gathered, some people just friend everyone for the sake of having it appear they have more friends. Who knows. It's a curious thing, for sure.

    Sweetest In The Gale - You're welcome. We who possess this superpower, if you will, must stick together.

    Oh don't feel bad for laughing. I wouldn't have it any other way.

    OKChick - a good God-Uncle.

    That sounds funny to say :)

    Anonymous - Well, thank you. I would like to write more on this blog soon, but lately it only seems to happen about once a week.