As (alleged) adults, we are faced with difficult choices this time of the year. The consequences of said choices can have long-lasting effects. And though we do our best, we may find ourselves guilt-ridden due to the choices we make.
That's where I come in. Not to help you make your decision, but rather, to help you justify your choices.
I hereby present Bone's Stealing Halloween Candy from Your Kid Justification Guide. Today I will provide you with reasons to abscond with your child's (nephew, niece, grandkid, neighbor's kid, etc.) Halloween candy, while also mentioning a couple of treats that should be find for your child to consume. Using my own child's stash as a prototype, I will proceed to go through this piece by piece.
Tootsie Roll ~ There is no other chocolate that tastes quite like a Tootsie Roll. You ever thought about that? Why has no one duplicated this unique taste? What's in it? What aren't they telling us? So while extremely delicious, this just doesn't seem safe.
Life Savers ~ The ironically named candy can and has contributed to death by choking. More than three people are thought to have died from this throughout history. Now, I totally just made up that number because a Google search provided no such statistics. So while you can't prove that it's true, your child also most likely can't prove that it isn't true.
Mounds ~ Many children may have an undiagnosed coconut allergy. (Or a diagnosed coconut allergy, in which case giving them a Mounds would likely leave you facing criminal charges.)
Almond Joy ~ Even if you were to risk the coconut allergy, the almond is a big no-no. Choke city.
Smarties ~ While never having been proven to make anyone smarter, these hard nuggets of deliciousness are terrible for your teeth. And your child will only ever have one set of teeth. Well, besides the set they get when their baby teeth fall out, but they don't need to know that, yet.
Reese's ~ Here's the thing: Once your child has a Reese's, there is very little left for them to look forward to in life. You? It's too late for you. You know there's nothing else. Let them be little, forgodsake!
Milk Duds ~ Known in some remote areas of Kazakhstan as "Delicious Child Chokers." Need I say more?
Butterfinger ~ If you did give your child a Reese's, then one of the only things left for them to look forward to (besides sex and wine), is a Butterfinger. Again, don't let them peak too early.
Any sort of homemade treat ~ If you're like me, you have a real problem eating food made by people you don't know. But kids? Kids eat anything and everything -- dirt, Play-doh, paper, any number of unidentified foodstuffs from off the floor. And you know what? They've survived. Enough with the helicopter parenting, Gladys! If Mrs. Taylor down the street isn't necessarily a bastion of cleanliness, chances are your child won't even notice.
Three Musketeers ~ Have you read this novel? Well, me neither, but according to Wikipedia, it includes violence, seduction, and execution. I mean, you may as well let your kids play violent video games. Or watch television. As d'Artagnan might have said, thou savest this deliciousness for thine own self.
Whoppers ~ Whopper -- another word for "lie." So unless you want to feed your kid a bunch of lies, steer clear here.
Skittles ~ Skittles is Scandinavian for orthodontic nightmare. No child likes to go to the dentist, so why make them go any earlier than they have to? I don't plan on taking mine until they're at least twelve.
Fig Newtons ~ Soft, chewy, somewhat healthy, taste a little like cardboard........ Yeah, these should be fine.
Laffy Taffy ~ No. Never. These chewy candies are teeming with made-to-order Dad jokes! But my child can't read, you say. Well, perhaps you should have them open a book rather than another piece of candy.
Twix ~ Do you really want to introduce your child to caramel this early in their life? Early onset diabetes here we come. However, there are fun games you can play with your child and a Twix. Have your child point out at least five differences between the Twixes. Also, ask your child which Twix is the left Twix. When he/she points to the left one, turn the Twix upside down and yell, "Wrong again, loser!"
Follow me for more life-saving parenting tips.
Er, on second thought, you probably shouldn't
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