Friday, May 15, 2015

Farmer Bone

I've always said I wanted a garden.

Turns out just saying it doesn't mean it gets dug, planted, watered, blessed by a priest, and whatever other steps are involved in facilitating fresh vegetables springing forth from God's green.

No, it's kinda like saying you want to climb Mt. Everest.  It's a nice thought, but unless you buy climbing gear, do numerous smaller climbs to prep, happen to know a good Sherpa, and many other steps I'm sure, your chances of ever scaling the Lhotse Face are slightly less than your chances of winning the Powerball.

After moving in to the house and actually having a yard for the first time in twenty years, my agricultural dreams -- unlike most of my other dreams -- seemed on the verge of coming true.  Time and home improvement projects would not allow for it last year.  So all winter I set my sights on this spring.

Then it rained for approximately 28 of the first 25 days in April and apparently standing water, while ideal for starting the world's largest natural mosquito habitat and malaria hotspot, is not good for planting.

There was also an issue finding a tiller.  While many people I know have a garden, not a single one had a tiller I could borrow.  "Oh, John Brown comes over and plows ours every year."  Unfortunately, I didn't know John Brown from... well, John Brown.  And even if I had, I'm fairly certain his tractor wasn't fitting through the four-foot wide gate in my back fence.

Renting a tiller didn't work, either.  We'd reserve one, but then had to call and cancel.  Again because of that pesky little 28 days of rain.

Then one day it hit me: If there was going to be a garden, I was going to have to dig it myself.

There are few realizations I hate more than the one where you realize if something is going to get done, you are going to have to be the one to do it.  It's right up there with "I'm going to have to confront this person" and "This toilet water is rising instead of going down" amongst my least-fave realizations of all-time.

But I was going to have to do it.  Old school.  By hand.  Like MacGyver.  Surely you remember that time MacGyver had to dig his own garden?  No?  Maybe it was one of the lost episodes.  Pesticides and hormones in commercial produce were the enemies.

Yes, I would MacGyver a garden right there in my own backyard.  First step?  Go to Lowe's and buy a shovel.   (This was the last season of the series when MacGyver was just mailing it in mostly.  It was sad to watch.)

Then I started digging.  And digging.  And digging. I dug a hole about 9 feet by 6 feet and roughly a foot deep.  It gave me a whole new appreciation for those people on "Forensic Files" who dig a hole to bury a body.  Unlike those lazy criminals who just dump it off the side of the road and down into some ravine.

I dug so much I got a callous!  My first, I believe.  Thankfully, some Aveeno did wonders for that.  (I'm pretty sure Aveeno was probably a big sponsor of MacGyver.  And now we know why.)  

My hamstrings hurt like they'd been beaten a thousand times with a cane by one of those women you saw on a video you accidentally came across years ago on the internet who whip people for sexual gratification.  But you could only watch like four seconds of it because it was 1998 and you still had dial-up.  Not that you tried.  I never remember MacGyver having hamstring problems.

During my 72-hour hamstring recovery period, I was able to ponder my next move, which would obviously be implanting my seeds into Mother Earth.  Though exactly when and how deeply I was unsure.  I asked, but again, there didn't seem to be a single garden Sherpa amongst my circle of family and friends.

But I'd forgotten about one friend that I knew.  The garden Sherpa warehouse: Lowe's.

And suddenly I was shoveling manure, per their advice.  Two 50 pound bags of pure cow malarkey.  I always figured I'd wind up shoveling manure at some point in my life, I just never thought it'd be voluntary.  (MacGyver refused to do the manure shoveling scene, which I believe is why the series was canceled.)

Finally it was time to impregnate the Earth.  Which I did, with seeds I had purchased from another man.  (It briefly occurs to me that perhaps there is a better way to phrase this?)

With lotioned hands and hopeful heart, I now wait for God to give the increase.  For the Earth to swell and spring forth with pesticide-free vegetables, which I and "Chad" from Lowe's hath made together.

The miracle known as life.

"Hey farmer, farmer, put away that DDT now / Give me spots on my apples / But leave me the birds and the bees, please..."

23 comments:

  1. ah, welcome to my world... I am pretty sure that the cast of Seinfeld never tried to grow anything on purpose.
    yet after living here for 14 years and planting every year, I have yet to purchase, rent or borrow a tiller. :-/ I've just always dug it by hand...it usually takes me about two days to "till" my plot. sigh.
    but fresh veggies are the best. I still pine for a greenhouse and hubby who despises veggies continues to deny my simple request. :(
    Your post reminds me that I need to get my garden together if I want any veggies this year.

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    1. Didn't Kramer have some flowers when he put the screen door on his apartment?

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  2. Any tiller big and powerful enough to render sod into a nicely tilled garden is not something I have ever found. I've always had to find John Brown or dig it by hand that first year.

    Congratulations on the garden. Nothing makes you appreciate that store bought can of peas like trying to raise and preserve them yourself!

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    1. Thanks, Ed. I will be very appreciative if this garden sprouts forth even one delicious vegetable. I'm pretty sure my one tomato plant is already dying.

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  3. I've always wanted a garden too. We are going to try a raised bed this year.

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    1. You better get started! It's getting late for plantin'. (I really have no idea.)

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  5. Then it rained for approximately 28 of the first 25 days in April and apparently standing water, while ideal for starting the world's largest natural mosquito habitat and malaria hotspot, is not good for planting.

    Best. Line. EVER.

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    1. Thanks, TC. I find malaria-inspired non-fiction to be my niche.

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  6. Great post and so true!
    It just stopped raining here on Tuesday after what felt like a year of rain.
    I have an all container garden. Pretty pots---what can go wrong? Uh well if you leave them turned up, and haven't planted anything yet, they immediately fill with rain and when you finally get the courage to turn them--it stinks.
    I need a new hose. Did I go Lowe's which is approximately a third of a mile from here and Home Depot even closer? No I ordered from Amazon
    I grow a lot of peppermint and basil. Actually I don't grow them--they're like weeds that just come back and back and you end up forcing them on people. But aside from tasting great and mint being water's best friend--they're mosquito repellants. Also I'm going to buy a couple of fans as I keep on hearing they're the best repellants!

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    1. I have a citronella plant in a pot. It's supposed to ward off mosquitos. I think I can tell a little difference. Although that might be more because after the 28 days of rain, we had 17 days without a drop.

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  7. Well, since you can't get a tractor in your backyard and you have perfect conditions for rice, maybe you should find a friend with a water buffalo to borrow...

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    1. Ha. I don't recall seeing any water buffalo here in the city limits. I could plant some rice next year though, get a little crop rotation thing going.

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  8. so glad that I was sick last weekend and didn't start my garden like so many others here did... Yesterday we got quarter sized hail. Hoping for a very early hail season so that I can have some veggies.

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    1. There's a hail season?? Didn't the Rockies game just get snowed out like last week?

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    2. wouldn't surprise me, but it appears that weather isn't what's causing all the losses. and yes we usually get pounded with hail in June...remember my "lovely" pictures of hail so thick it looks like snow?
      I would like to build a greenhouse to lengthen our growing season, but hubby says no because of the hail...and he doesn't care if I get veggies from the yard. sigh

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  9. Oh my gosh, I am truly sympathetic and maybe even empathetic although I cannot tell the two apart. But I love to garden. I never look at the big picture, buy plants already sprouted and add lot of "fake" dirt to the location. I am told my yard is nice but the truth is I do it for myself...kinda like blogging. :)

    Oh, good luck! If I take any wisdom from my experiences, you will probably need it.

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    1. I'm never sure of the difference, either :)

      Thanks. From the looks of my one tomato plant already, I definitely need it.

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  10. I'm so glad the Lowe's worker was named Chad. That's my kind of detail.

    We're eons away from flowers and the rewards of the garden--hello, 45 degrees and two inches of rain today alone--but I've been getting my gardening fix by weeding. After 4 hours of it yesterday, I'm hobbling around like a 93-year-old after a particularly vigorous night of Wii bowling at the senior center.

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    1. Oh I understand about the Wii sports. I had to retire from Wii Baseball several years ago.

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  11. If I had known you were going to attempt gardening, I would've sent you to my parents for tools and equipment.

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    1. Thanks. Do they have a tiller? Is your Dad's name John Brown? :)

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  12. I've had flowers and herbs the last few years at our house but we wanted to grow vegetables like tomatoes, peppers and onions (salsa makings, ya know?) for E. to 'help' with. My nephew built us a raised bed to start small, but it's still empty and forlorn in our backyard so far. :-( There are too many decisions to make before we can put dirt and plants into it: will it have it enough sun in this/that spot?; will it be out of the way of the truck/trailer when D. drives around the back of the house?; will we have enough hose to reach for watering without having too much excess for the lawn mower to run over?...and on and on...it's exhausting and we haven't really started.

    Good for you for starting your garden - the hard work is usually always worth it...until you have so many tomatoes you begin thinking of giving them away to your neighbors which then leads to many awkward encounters and situations... :-)

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