A podcast for the New Year!

Well, another year has just about passed us by. Time to think about all the things you didn't do this year. And all the things you're probably not gonna do next year.

Seriously, I want to wish you all a happy, healthy, safe, and prosperous 2006. Thanks for stopping by this year. Thanks even more for your comments. As my little New Year's gift for all of you, I now present the latest episode of the J&K Show:

(Click here to listen).

This episode features our first-ever female in-studio guest. As well as a special South Park holiday song to close out the show. As always, your comments and feedback are welcome. Hope you enjoy.

Not sure how much I'll be blogging this weekend. I might be a little busy ;-) But I truly hope that you all have a Happy New Year and find someone cute to kiss at midnight.

"Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow..."

Fun with wood and screws

Pseudo live-blogging the assembling of my new computer desk from Monday afternoon.

2:10 PM - I decide to try and put together my shiny new computer desk. (Some assembly required.)

2:27 PM - I have all the parts out of the box. That only took seventeen minutes. Not bad.

2:28 PM - There's little pieces of white styrofoam all over the floor. I'll have to vacuum when this is done. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have many friends who vacuum. What the crap am I even talking about?

2:29 PM - Pondering whether or not to attempt the assembly without instruction manual. Aaah, who needs instructions! (Kidding.)

2:30 PM - Wow! That's a lot of screws!



2:31 PM - I just realized something. I don't own an electric screwdriver. This is gonna be great!

2:32 PM - If only I was on Home Improvement, I could just be like, "Could you bring me an electric screwdriver, Heidi?" Maybe I'll try it anyway.

2:33 PM - Didn't work.

2:50 PM - Page one of eleven in the instruction manual completed. That wasn't so bad. Manuel Labor lives on!

3:06 PM - Page 4. There seem to be more steps on each page now. Lots of screwing, tapping, brackets, and compression dowels. Can you smell the testosterone?

3:07 PM - I hope that's testosterone.

3:28 PM - Now it's beginning to look like something:



3:42 PM - Screw #38 of 86. Getting blisters on my right hand. Kinda reminds me of playing Nintendo until 3 AM when I was little and my right thumb would be blistered and eventually calloused from pressing the A & B buttons. RBI Baseball, baby!

3:43 PM - Too much manual screwing. Definitely need a battery-powered device.

3:56 PM - The Memphis/Akron football game is on TV. Akron is in a bowl game? I can think of no other single fact to better illustrate that there are way too many college bowl games than that.

3:59 PM - Lil Booty just called. Dinner at 6:30 at Cracker Barrell. Which means I have less than two hours if I want to finish this up before going to dinner.

4:10 PM - Wondering what I'll order. Perhaps the fried catfish filet. Or meatloaf maybe. And definitely getting hashbrown casserole as one of my sides. They have the best salads. Maybe I'll eat light and save room for blackberry cobbler for dessert. Mmmm, I'm hungry.

4:19 PM - I wonder what the AAT is on this. (Average Assembly Time.) I'm sure I'm blowing it out of the water. One way or the other.

4:29 PM - Instead of saying "Serenity Now," I like to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" during times of extreme stress, such as repeatedly dropping screws, scratching paint off the wall of my home with cumbersome raw materials, etc. I find it very soothing.

4:36 PM - Remember Roller Derby? I used to like watching that when they would show it on ESPN. Like back in the 80's. The Thunderbirds. Wasn't that one of the teams?

4:45 PM - I've had like ten phone calls just since I started working!! Bone is gettin' upset!

4:49 PM - ARGH!!! The screws keep falling off my supposedly magnetic screwdriver!!

4:50 PM - Puff the magic dragon, lives by the sea...

4:57 PM - Hmm, this is interesting. I seem to have used the screws that I need right now about an hour ago. Oops! I'm sure it'll be fine.

5:06 PM - Last step on page 10: "Tighten all screws on complete unit to ensure stability." Pffffffttt!!! Whatever.

5:25 PM - Done! Just a handful of screws and one piece of wood leftover. Not bad. Who's your daddy!!! (Did I really just say that out loud?)



Whew, that was quite exhilarating. I suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, which is quite odd considering I've never smoked.

"Sit here on the stairs cos I'd rather be alone. If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear..."

I hate when it's over

Was off work today. Successfully assembled the computer desk I got for Christmas. You'll hear more about that later. The week between Christmas and New Year's is just an odd week. Definitely unique. I refer to it as the "lost week." OK, not really. Made that up just now. I think it's definitely dead week for blogs and bloggers though. Yet and still, I press on...

Hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas. Got much more than I deserved. Seinfeld Season 5 & 6 DVD's, Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1, and Cheers Season 1. Robert Palmer's greatest hits CD. Blah blah blah. This year, for one of our presents, Mom went out and got us something old. She found this storybook which was my sister's favorite book when she was little. My Dad used to read it to her every single night and if he tried to skip a couple of pages, she'd know it and make him go back. For me, she got this plate which had a picture on it and "Christmas 1973" written on it. She gave it to me, along with a card in which she had written, "I found this plate from 1973, the first Christmas we shared together, the best Christmas of my life. Thanks for the greatest Christmas present ever..."

During the poker game Friday night, we were trying to give everyone a name of a professional poker player. I was tabbed Jesus Ferguson. James was Phil Hellmuth, Meghan was Annie Duke, and Little Joe was Dan Harrington. Don't think we ever came up with a name for Buzz or Lil Bootay. Hmm, that was quite random. Not sure what brought that up, but it was funny one time when I won a big pot, James said, "And Jesus throws the money changers out of the temple!"

Went to the book store tonight. Bought Of Mice And Men. That prompted this conversation betwen the cashier and me:
"School?"
"Um no." (But I'll take that as a compliment.)
"Oh."
"Just never read it."
"You never had to read this in school?"
"Well, if I did, I didn't."
"Oh, it's really good."
Ya think?

I really had a good weekend. From Festivus Friday night, to family stuff Saturday and Sunday, to hanging with friends tonight, it's been nice. And now. It's over. I hate when Christmas is over. As much as this is the most wonderful time of the year, once it's over, once the presents are unwrapped and family and friends have gone, it's my least favorite time. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's because I know it'll be another whole year until it comes again. But the end of Christmas makes me sad.

Sitting there Sunday, watching the pile of presents slowly dwindle, I was sad. I like to take a break from opening gifts and make it last as long as possible. It's not a selfish thing. I don't think I would care if a single gift under the tree was for me or not. I just want it to last. I was thinking Saturday night about how I found it nearly impossible to get to sleep on Christmas Eve for so many years. I remember hearing noises and wondering if it was Santa. And thinking I'd better hurry and get to sleep. Christmas Eve is filled with so much anticipation. But by Christmas night, it's all over. Maybe Adam Sandler had it figured out, with "eight crazy nights."

Now all that's left is to put up the presents up and take down the tree. Oh, and take the wreath off the front of my car. Whoever said that was good for attracting chicks was dead wrong! ;-)

"We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish. Not too shabby..."

Festivus Recap (with pictures)

Two days after Festivus, and I'm still thinking of grievances I should have aired...

Despite a few no-shows, I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all at the first annual Festivus party. Bone had the refreshment table decorated with a traditional solid red table cloth, and served an array of delicious refreshments, ranging from Junior Mints and Twix to chips and salsa. (But no double-dipping!) The celebration began with the Festivus dinner, which consisted of Domino's pizza. While eating, the guests enjoyed "The Outing" episode of Seinfeld, followed by "The Strike," from which Festivus originated.

Next, it was time for the Airing of Grievances. This actually worked out better than I ever thought it would. The grievance worksheets were passed around and everyone worked on them for about fifteen minutes. Then James, playing the part of Frank Costanza, read a bit from "The Strike" script. After that, each of the guests took turns standing by the Festivus pole and airing his or her grievances. The pole was a big hit, especially with Buzz.

Following that, we played a game of Cranium. The team of Bone, Java, Bootay, and James narrowly defeated the foursome of J-Mo, Buzz, Little Joe, and Meghan. After that was over, the Asians decided they had to leave early. Something about "It's already Saturday afternoon in China!" So the six of us who remained decided to play No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em. I guess this was our version of the Feats of Strength. Little Joe and I were the only ones to leave with anything more than our underwear and car keys.

I think everyone finally ended up leaving a little after 1:00. Of course, I was up to nearly 3:00 after Buzz and Meghan presented me with this:



River Raid, Combat, Missile Command, Yars' Revenge, Pitfall, etc. And original controllers! Are you kidding me?

Here are some Festivus pics and a couple of other random pics from the weekend:
1. 2.

3. 4.

5. 6.

1. The official Airing of Grievances worksheet.
2. Java Boo Boo airs his grievances with women everywhere.
3. Two sleepy girls on my couch. The last time that happened? Hmm...
4. 'Neath my tree, circa 4:30 PM Saturday. See? It's not OCD. Just don't dare move any of them.
5. "You know, I really thought there'd be more girls here... not that there's anything wrong with that."
6. Day after Festivus/Christmas Eve lunch. It was during this meal that I decided I had a new favorite part of the female anatomy.

So, the pole is back in the crawlspace (actually up on a shelf in the laundry room). The grievances have been aired. Festivus is over. I proudly declare the first annual Festivus party a qualified success. And if I don't get kicked out, as we got quite loud the other night, I plan to have another one next year. I was reading the other day that Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as a legal holiday. Hey, at least we were first in something. And if I have anything to do with it, we'll be the first to recognize Festivus as well.

"How can it be permissible? She compromised my principle, yeah yeah. That kind of love is mythical. She's anything but typical..."

Dear Santa

Well, I finished printing out my Airing of Grievance worksheets and my Human Fund donation cards. So I decided to write my Dear Santa letter. Got this idea from Sherry. It actually took longer than I thought it would. And am I the only one having difficulty finding much time to blog these days?

Dear Santa (or Yo Santa Clizzaus... whichever you prefer),

It's Bone. Yeah, I know, it's been awhile since I've sent you a letter. At least like five years. I'm not really writing for myself this year, Santa. I have more than enough. I have the 1,244,375th most popular blog on the internet. Sure it would be nice to break into that top million. But that would be selfish of me. No, Santa, this year I'm writing to ask for some things for my blog friends.

For Buzz... I wish that you bring him a camera so that he can take more pictures of Reagan and update his blog, which seemingly hasn't been updated since the Reagan administration.

For Carnealian... I wish for the ability for her to continue partying well into her early 30's. And that she would never again be a victim of false advertising.

For Cindy and Interstellar Lass... I wish for a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. And that they won't go the way of so many and let their blogs fall by the wayside once they're married. Perhaps I should share with them the Parable of the Blogger, Santa.

For Coyote Mike... I wish for a cure for his terminal shyness. And the ability to channel Bobby Fischer or Boris Spassky so that he can beat five-year-old child prodigies at chess.

For Crys... Please bring her the ability to understand my restroom rules and movie theater seating etiquette. And also I wish for you to bring her a challenging, suitable job.

For Dea... I wish for more guys and fewer girls to hit on her. Although, really, I don't see the problem. And that her Yahoo pool skillz would someday be comparable to mine ;-)

For Erica... I wish for the time and desire to return to blogging. And commenting.

For Fly Girl... I wish for delay-free flights, good weather, and all those things in the Days of Flight Attendant Christmas.

For GroovyChick... I wish for a super cute motorcycle helmet. And that none of her kitties will run away again.

For Heather B... I wish for an endless supply of pseudo-boyfriends. Perhaps even a real one. And the courage to say, "Because Sir Bone used it in his blog" when people ask why she's singing the same song all day.

For JC... I wish for lots of hugs.

For J-Mo... I wish that you bring him a different girl every weekend... for him to take pictures of, that is. And that he'll not be shafted again anytime soon.

For Kerry... I wish for good health. And the desire to again liveblog American Idol this coming season.

For Kyle... I wish for his parents to hurry up and move out of the house. And that you bring him the ability to successfully recreate the incredible skydiving accident.

For Lil Bootay... I wish for healthy corn and healthy cows. And that she would never try and date any of my friends again ;-) And that you would bring her the ability to dissuade me from hooking up with any of her roomates again. Hmm, on second thought, scratch that last one. It actually wasn't that bad.

For Lindsy... I wish for a man who is kind, funny, and has a job... oh, and is good looking and isn't needy. Oh, and likes to cook, wants to travel, and has the ability to listen. Gee, there must at least... tens of those out there. Oh yeah, and he must have my approval ;-)

For Lizzie... I wish for a Yankees championship this coming season. That is, if the Reds don't have a breakout year. But, let's face it... And for the ability to continue to be ambiguous. And that she'll share details of her dreams about other bloggers. And that she will stop worrying about why she doesn't worry about things she thinks she ought to be worried about :-)

For Mappy B... I wish that her blog would have no future breakdowns. I wish that she have a wonderful and safe trip. And I wish for her future quizzes of the day to be so designed so that I will be able to impress and astound with my knowledge of seemingly unimportant topics.

For Meghan... I wish that she not be exposed to any more public urination episodes. That you bring her the ability to say no to certain babysitting gigs. And for her splendid writing and causticity to continue.

For OC Girl... I wish that she soon be over the soreness caused by her early morning romp on the stairs. Will she never learn? I wish for her to gain the fortune and fame that she deserves for creating terms that we all use everyday now, like blerd and blover. And I wish for her to have the best New Year's ever!

For Pia... I wish for a book deal. Like a gargantuan one, with a big sum up front. So that she can keep her place in the city, and also be able to buy a house out in the country where she can escape and write, like Chevy Chase in Funny Farm.

For Sallwood... Well, Santa, anyone that can drop as many Seinfeld references as she is obviously a well-balanced individual. I wish for her to prevail in the Feats of Strength.

For Sherry... I wish for her to get her braces off soon (even though some of us think braces are cute). And that she might always maintain her youthful aura and remain forever young.

For Tenacious T... I wish that you would bring her someone like this. And I wish for my blog entries to continue to creep into her mind throughout the day, and affect her thoughts and decisions ;-) Oh, and for her and me, please bring a national championship for Bama!

For Tiffany... I wish that you would bring her the time and desire to blog again, so that her last entry would not be a "Dear Bone" letter.

For Xinh...
I wish you to bring
Her a gay boyfriend this year
That's her wish, not mine.

And a year full of creative haikus :-)

Finally, for all the lurkers out there... I wish that you would bring them the courage to post a comment, even anonymously. I know you're out there. I have site meter, stat counter, and CIA-tracking software. So say hi!

And for everyone... I wish good health for you and your loved ones, contentment, love, and many comments for your blogs.

I'm sorry if I've forgotten anyone. Just leave me a comment and I'll add you.

Merry Christmas from Bone!

"Guess my life's moved at near light speed, since I started this wild and crazy run. Such a long way from that first birthday. Merry Christmas, everyone..."

Ya Quirky Bone

So I got tagged by Kerry and Sherry (no relation, far as I know) for two different memes. One is list five quirky things about yourself. The other is list five random facts about yourself that most people don't know. So I have decided to combine them both into one meme.

So here are Five Quirky Things About Bone (That Most People Don't Know):

1. I sing, hum, tap, almost non-stop. (I'm sure some would disagree with the "almost" part of that statement.) Very random songs, too. Carol of the Bells, Gold Digger, Piano Man. It matters not the genre. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. They all love it!

2. I don't like mustard and cheese on the same sandwich. I like mustard. And I love cheese! But if I have a cheeseburger, I prefer no mustard. Mayo is fine, but no mustard. I feel that the mustard somehow takes away from the flavor of the cheese. I think I could probably prove this scientifically, but really, who has the time?

3. I organize my Christmas presents very neatly under the tree. I think it really bugged a couple of girls I dated. Well, they said it did anyway. One of my ex-girlfriends says that this is part of my OCD. But my presents must be stacked very orderly. It's really a sight to see. Sort of like the crop circles or Stonehenge or something. Or at least like one of those really cool million domino displays on That's Incredible. Maybe I'll take a picture of them this year. I was raised in a house of neatly stacked presents, and I've turned out OK. Except for the fact that if I turn on a light switch with my left hand, I then also have to touch the light switch with my right hand. Or something very bad will happen.

4. I don't like to use the bathroom if anyone else is in the house, or if I'm at work, or at someone else's house. And I appreciate if you afford me the same consideration. And I'm not talking about urinating. Obviously, I have no problems doing that. No, I'm talking about a certain impending intestinal requirement. I actually dated a girl one time, and I'd make her go to the store so that I could meet said requirement. I also like to take my pants off during this activity, or at least one pant leg, so that I feel unencumbered. Is that weird?

And, if you're still reading after that...
5. My bedroom door and closet door have to be closed before I can go to sleep at night. Every night. And not just pushed to, but completely fastened/latched/closed. If I get in bed and see that one of them is open, I get up and shut it. Then again, perhaps this is part of OCD?

*Note: I was going to include how it's virtually impossible for me to hear someone misquote a Seinfeld episode and not correct them. Or if someone says Jerry did something, but it was really George, I just can't let it go. But I figured most of you already assumed that.

I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you'd like to pretend that Bone tagged you, feel free.

"Yo, I'm the big booty type. I like 'em thick with they mind right..."

The Contest

Pia is having a contest to decide the perfect song for me. So think about it. What song fits Bone? Click on the link to head over to her site and tell her what you think my song should be. If she gets enough 'ments, she has promised to invite me to her first book signing, mention me on Regis & Kelly, and allow me to do the Pia Reality Tour. OK, not really. But maybe.

So yesterday was holiday shopping with Bone. Went straight to the mall after work. Didn't get home until after 10:00. On the radio, I was listening to some call-in show. They were pretty much talking about the exact thing I mentioned the other day with the Hardees girl. One guy called and said if he met a girl who worked at McDonald's, he'd be excited and tell all his buddies about her. But if a girl met a guy who worked at McDonald's, she probably wouldn't tell her friends where he worked and she'd be telling him everyday to find a new job. I was like, dude's been reading my blog! While we're on the subject, I saw Meg Ryan again this morning. Got her name this time. Her real name.

Anyway, while walking thru the mall with the handles from seven bags cutting off the circulation in my hands, I was stricken with a sudden bout of SNGLAIPOA depression (she's-not-gonna-like-anything-I-pick-out-anyway). It was accompanied by a bit of what-am-i-even-doing-here-itis. Fortunately, that was short-lived.

But shopping for girls is difficult. Clothes-wise anyway. I mean, it's gotta fit just right in all these different places. So maybe it's foolish to even try. I should get something for effort though, right? Plus, in many of these stores, I'm the only guy in there. Normally, being the only guy in a sea of mostly attractive, well-dressed women is not a problem. It's a dream. A fantasy. But I digress...

Let me just say this. If you work in retail, in a women's clothing store or in the women's department, and a guy walks in by himself, especially this time of year, please offer to help him. Because chances are, he really needs it.

On the positive side of this shopping for girls thing, I usually always implore a strategy of finding an attractive sales associate and asking her for help. I did this a couple of times yesterday. In one store, a very helpful (and rather voluptuous) girl even offered to try on an item I was considering. Who am I to stand in the way of excellent customer service. So while I stood there staring trying to decide, she said, "Shopping for girls can be hard." Yeah, like I don't know that.

After shopping, it felt like an Arby's night. So while I was in the area, I called up James (from the first girl I ever called story). He is the only person I know who is anywhere near as big a Seinfeld fanatic as me. We could talk about Seinfeld for hours. He'll be at the Festivus party.

Most interesting item of the day: Metrosexual Cartman

"I'll be home for Christmas. You can plan on me. Please have snow and mistletoe, and presents on the tree..."

Behold... the pole

Continuing in the tradtion of Frank Costanza and... unnamed others, I proudly present my Festivus pole:



Spent much of the evening working on this baby. Using my MacGyver-like resourcefulness, and skills I learned watching Alive, I was able to assemble the pole from materials I purchased. Total cost: About $15. So the people at festivuspoles.com can keep their forty dollar pole. Your momma costs forty dollars!

Declaration on the tree stand I purchased: "Great for crooked trunks!" Not sure why I found that humorous.

Five days until Bone's First Annual Festivus Party! This is gonna be great!

"These moments we're left with, may you always remember. These moments are shared by few. And those harbor lights, aw, they're coming into view. We bid our farewell much too soon..."