Brain storm

I'm better now
But for a long while there
Fevered nights I couldn't get any air
And fits of fright, I swear, I was certain I would die

I still feel the guilt
Of the damage I did do
And there's no reason, only excuse
Blame placed on me, I could never deny

The mood swings have abated
Now that I'm medicated
It no longer makes me anxious
To simply watch my kids

The highs and the lows now
Are more ripples than volcanoes
But sometimes I miss feeling them
Fiercely as I once did

I'm better now
But am I really my true self
I beat that question to a long slow death
Still no answer can I ascertain

I still feel ashamed
For being on prescribed drugs
Cried “I’m so sorry” to Heaven above
Too weak to handle the chemicals in my own brain

The fits of terror have abated
Now that I'm medicated
It no longer makes me anxious
To simply watch my kids

The highs and the lows now
Are more breezes than tornadoes
But sometimes I miss feeling them
Fiercely as I once did

No more mean reds, jealous greens
Or the feeling of doom over the smallest of things
The pills keep me from getting too low
But now and then I miss the highs

I'm better now
But for a long while there
Panicked nights spent fighting for air
And times, I swear, you could not convince me
I was not about
                         to
                             die