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Friday, February 13, 2015

J-Lo's Loss is Every Man's Gain

I hadn't thought of him in years.

Sure, I had the single for "I Need to Know."  (Tell me, baby girl, who didn't?)  I knew he had been married to Jennifer Lopez and vaguely recalled hearing about their separation and impending divorce.  But until this moment, standing next to the corner display table in the men's section of Kohl's department store, I realized I'd never really known the man at all.

The man I'm speaking of is Marc Anthony.  And this is the story of how he changed my life.  Or at least my early forties.

It all began a couple of years ago, sitting on a couch in Anytown, USA, watching the ABC sitcom "The Middle."  That's when I noticed that I owned (and frequently wore) the exact same shirt as one of the actors.  On the show, he played a 17-year-old named Axl.  In real life, I was evidently playing a 40-year-old "teen" named Bone.

From that point on, everywhere I'd go I began to notice my style was being imitated by guys half my age.  How could this be?  Did I somehow have a cult following of which I wasn't aware?

Perhaps.  I mean, what kid wouldn't look up to a guy who blogs, doesn't really "go out with people," and is a boss at Trivia Crack and Words With Friends?

Or maybe it was me.  Was I dressing like a teenager/college kid?  I did gets lots of clothes from Aeropostale every year for Christmas.  (What?  It's not like a have a pair of shorts with "Juicy" printed on the ass.)

But what else was there?  It was either dress like a teenager or give in and start wearing those old man shirts that should say "instantly turn into your dad for only $19.97."  (And now you have a window into Madonna's thought process prior to every major television appearance.)

No, I couldn't go there.  I wouldn't.  Not yet.  And so, I draped myself in cotton -- continuing to sport a variety of raglan t-shirts, zip-up hoodies, and my Chucks -- and slogged on.

At different times in my life, I had patterned my "style" after the debonair likes of Brandon Walsh, Jason Morgan, and Dillon Quartermaine.  (We'll conveniently gloss over the Wranglers and western boots days.)  Of course, Jason left General Hospital for Genoa City, new Jason mostly wears prison garb, who knows what zip code Brandon landed in, and Dillon is off in California making movies.  If only I could summon him for advice.  What would Dillon do?

Maybe that was the problem: All my TV heroes of suave attire were gone.  Now there is only Matthew McConaughey driving around talking to his car or Jeff Bridges trying to sing me to sleep.

Whatever the reason(s), my sometimes-bumpy fashion evolution had come to a complete standstill. There needed to be a middle ground, something to fill the fashion vacuum for guys of a certain age who are still attempting to be marginally stylish.  I mean, there must be dozens of us out there, right?

Enter Mr. Anthony.

Who knew we had so much in common!  He was born in New York, I've visited New York.  He was raised Roman Catholic, I've shot Roman candles.  He was married to J-Lo, I've.... shot Roman candles.

Standing in Kohl's that day, I realized that after years of wandering in a fashion desert, I had found my promised land.  A retail Canaan stretched out before me as far as housewares to the north and jewelry and accessories to the west.

It was a land flowing with a generous assortment of sweaters, polos, and button-down shirts predominately in blacks, no-nonsense greys, and pleasing blues.  There were even a few hoodies.  But more mature ones, which could be dressed up or dressed down.  And really, isn't that what everyone is looking for in life?

No longer am I a 40-year-old dressing like a 17-year-old.  Today, I stand before you a 42-year-old who dresses more like a... guy in his early thirties.

Forever comfortable in my own skin.  At long last, I'm comfortable wearing another man's clothes.

"Not a lot to lean on / I need Your light to help me / Find my place in this world..."

24 comments:

  1. Hilarious.

    Also, I love "The Middle." Do you call yourself "The Bone man" or anything like Axl does?

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    1. No. While I do enjoy Axl's antics, "you've just been Bone'd" doesn't always translate as well as "you've just been ax'd."

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  2. I'm so lost reading this post. Mostly it is because I grew up on a farm during the Farm Crisis, went to a rural school and lived aways from urban centers most of my life. I don't think I've ever caught up to a fashion that wasn't more than a decade old. I tell myself that I'm married and I'm not supposed to attract women anymore as the reason for not being fashionable and it works... sort of.

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    1. The "sort of" cracked me up. I'm nowhere near the cutting edge of fashion, but I am trying to ward off old-man attire as long as possible.

      Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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  3. Who the frosting puts a sign out button where the publish button goes?!?! lost my comment.

    If you walk over near the women's section of Kohls you'll see that Marc's ex has a line of clothing there also... hope the divorce was amicable.

    Glad to know that you aren't changing the numbers on your Levis... cuz no one is gonna believe that you're a 30/38 ;)

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    1. "If you walk over near the women's section of Kohls you'll see that Marc's ex has a line of clothing there also"

      Is that where the Juicy shorts are?

      Ha! I'm barely hanging in there with a 33!

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  4. Replies
    1. I assume you're talking about fashion only, and not awesomeness.

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  5. These spiritual journeys are what your forties are for.

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  6. And I agree with Renee that the sign out button is in the wrong place. I also want to use the phrase "who the frosting" everyday.

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    1. Yeah, I liked "Who the frosting" too. Then again, I'm a big fan of frosting, in general.

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  7. At least you're aware of what's fashionable. I thought I was but was recently informed by my 27 year old son that my favourite jeans are considered "Mom jeans." Sigh..

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    1. Now you have me wondering what the male equivalent of mom jeans would be...

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  8. I am confused. Don't you have a girlfriend? Part of her job as your significant other is to dress you so that you don't embarrass her in public.

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    1. There is a daily saying at my house, in regard to being "the girlfriend" (not to Bone- but to my guy, THE CAVEMAN ) I scream, "You are a reflection on me!!!" But it has no merit. Except when he looks especially wrinkled, his co-workers ask if there is trouble in paradise. Please do not blame "the girlfriend" :) for a guy's fashion.

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  9. I'm having the hardest time commenting as I can't get past the real men use salmon templates. Red yes. I like it. And I'm pretty sure you didn't have "the past..." there

    I'm glad you shot roman candles so you can have much in common with Marc Anthony

    And you can dress like Axl. Though I think I would find dressing like Brick more--something. Who names a kid something that sounds like it can be thrown through a window anyway?

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    1. Yes, but it matches my 11-year-old Blogger photo, a la David Letterman's tie with his backdrop :)

      Also it goes with my henna tattoo.

      Kidding.

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  10. Kohls as the promised land... I'm shaking my head and then realize where the shirt I am wearing as I am typing this (as I am in a meeting that is boring me out of my mind) was purchased... Thanks for the smiles (I just hope no one notices)

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    1. Heh, your secret is safe with me... er, us.

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  11. By the way, I like the new blog look. I think you should keep it for a week or two, then change it again. Try a few looks until you find one that you really like.

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    1. Thanks. I'm not sure I have the energy to change that often :) I don't generally like change (as evidenced by how long I had my last design).

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  12. "I've shot Roman candles!" Classic...

    Women have fashion delemias too, but we buy clothes only to say, "I have nothing to wear."

    Loved this!

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  13. Thanks, DP! Fortunately, the dress code for shooting Roman candles is fairly lax.

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  14. WoulD love a visual to go with this entertaining tale!!
    I really like Marc Anthony's line. I've tried to get my son into his pants ( well..u know what I mean) he Refused .I hear he's coming out with a new line entirely in velvet!!! Drape yourself in that next bone! 😝

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