Roast-A-Bone

Hello and welcome to the first-ever Roast-A-Bone (he made me say that). I'm your host, Pia Savage, of Courting Destiny. This is probably the first roast in history where the roastee (Bone) asked the roaster (me) to roast him. Then he attempted to edit it...

Bone's not a trophy comment whore. Not Bone who emails: "I can't write. It's so bad. I'm so nervous. I posted."

I click on his blog and there are three comments already. Really, Bone, I thought I was your mentor and thus you would show it or complain to me first.

In Bonese, "mentor" is "tor" which reminds me of "tart" which is "puta" in olde English or something, and Bone does refer to me as a puta a bit too often.

Actually our 'torship began with a comment:
"Good blogging. Keep it up." Normally I would have deleted a generic comment, but I always go to the URL and must have loved it, because I think Bone is the grossest screen name. And I won't even begin to go into littlenibbler.

This man wants to be taken seriously as a writer?

IT is BETTER THAN HIS all caps days where the caps were in certain words and made sense to Bone, I guess. I was just being lazy--they're more randomly spread out. Though I'm sure that Bone has a good explanation.

He just won't explain. Trying to get information out of Bone is.. well, I think that Bone is really a North Korean secret service agent, though I know he's Caucasian and his Alabaman roots run deep. He's at least a second generation Bama fan. Gets it from his mother.

Bone is a trophy son who makes sure to visit his rapidly aging parents regularly, before it's too late. They're in their 50's.

Bone googles and wikipedias as a lifestyle. He knows more useless information than anybody I know. But does he apply this knowledge to anything bigger such as an article to be submitted somewhere? Does he even think that he's ready for prime time blogging?

"I didn't have any writing classes. I can't write. No, really, this time I can't..."

Duh, he of the perfectly useless information posts that are fun to read, and the 24 recaps. He's ready. But will he?

Bone knows that his readership might go up if he changes his screen name. Bone's been looking for a new screen name, and URL, but can't decide on either. He claims he will when he changes host companies. And that day is...?

He's so decisive he stayed with Blogger until they forced him to go Beta, and he almost lost the contents of IYROOBTY. I believe his love for that anagram has something to do with his love for numbers. I get so nervous when I email him, I spell check everything twice.

Not that he would say something directly. More like tell you about his innate copy editing abilities and how much misspelled words hurt.

When you ask him a question that he doesn't want to answer:
"My memory. You know my memory."

I first knew Bone when he was 32, and have always thought that he's going through early dementia or was in a tragic accident, ala Jason Morgan of GH.

However, Bone can remember every scene in every Seinfeld. I know that he has it confused with a reality show. And while sometimes I think it best to leave him to his delusions just in case either of the above are true, I tell him the truth anyway. As somebody who has intimate personal knowledge of the Upper West Side, I can. Actually I think that's the reason Bone became friendly with me. I speak Larry David, but not as well, and as a girl.

You know how Bones loves GH and chick flicks? I had to see Music & Lyrics as I know his taste and decide whether or not he would like it.

Have to say he's got the comment thing down since "good blogging..." He's a cult leader who inspires Bonettes onto more and more comments in the same thread.

He gets comments before he writes a post. That's not normal. And usually impossible. Bone manages to do it :)

Oh gawd, I'm the one handing out the kool aid. I am his biggest pimp or whatever they call it in cult worlds.

Bone's a bachelor in Northwest Alabama who devotes his spare time to everything online and somehow believes he will find his Laura, of Luke &... if he just plays one more hand of Texas hold 'em. Not that Bone gambles.

We cribbed the date test from Shayna's blog. Bone was so proud of being The False Messiah, he wrote a post about it, and it's kinda in the running for new screen name. But since the point is to attract people...

If you like False Messiah as a screen name let him know. Several months ago I sent him a list of possible screen names that he would probably like. He claimed that he couldn't use any of them. A few weeks ago he sent me possible new screen names. Yes, the ones that I sent that he couldn't possibly use were included.

Bone hates to hurt. You have to weed out of him anything he might not like: To make a long story short, if you send him something to read, he will email back that he likes it. Five emails later it turns out that he loved three lines in the middle and none of the rest.

Bone likes to keep his private life compartmentalized. He's a very private person, and that's good. But sometimes: "Haven't we discussed this?"

No, Bone, we hadn't. You know, your memory.

Bone has roasted me. He forgot when the roast was over, and kept those roasting comments coming. Yes, Bone, I know. You are so Jason Morgan, without the money or the mobster connections.

Let me hand y'all a Bone to roast.

"But, oh, the girl, she fooled me this time. She acted like I was the last thing on her mind. I would like to start all over again. Baby, can I change my mind? I just want to change my mind..."