Raw Eggs & Pugilism

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Am I the only one who just got chills?

Attention, aficianados of outstanding cinema. It's coming. Tomorrow.

After sixteen years of dormancy, everyone's favorite sixty-year-old five-foot-eight-inch prize fighter is back. Sylvester Stallone returns in Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in this sextrilogy that has captivated America for thirty years. And I am so ready!

I get chills everytime I hear the Rocky theme song or "Eye of the Tiger." (On a tangent, how cool is it to be that guy was the lead singer of Survivor? Your career includes Eye Of The Tiger and those Bud Light real men of genius commercials!)

Also, there's only so many Judge Dredd's, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot's, and Get Carter's one can take.

And besides that, I'm glad the series isn't ending with Rocky V. Because admittedly, it sucked. Even though at the time, I figured surely that was the last one. Because, well, Stallone was 46 and it had been five years since Rocky IV, which at the time, I also thought would be the last one. Hmmm. On second thought, maybe this isn't the final chapter.

One thing I've noticed as I've traveled the internets in recent days promoting the film, is that some people don't seem to share my enthusiasm, excitement, yea, delirium, over the release of Rocky VI. Women especially.

That started the old cogwheel turning, and I began to ponder why, as a general rule, men seem to like Rocky more than women. Not surprisingly, I have come up with a couple of ideas. Let's toss these against the wall and see if they stick.

Men like to have something that women don't like to do. Take fishing, for example. It's not that we enjoy sitting out in the middle of a body of water for hours on end all that much. But these are the lengths we've been forced to go to.

I think perhaps movies such as Rocky are like this. Men like to have things they can rally around and discuss amongst themselves that women either don't understand, or don't want to be part of. Like carburetors, Hooters, and the two-deep zone defense.

We just want to have something to call our own. I mean, we don't intrude on you when you want to go see a play, or talk about your feelings, or cook us a delicious meal.

Another reason men like Rocky is that he's a man's man. Who else can dress in red, white, and blue trunks and not be made fun of? And he doesn't mince words. With a simple, manly "Adriaaaan!" he lets his woman know he loves her.

But I think perhaps the main reason men like Rocky is that, in our minds, we are Rocky. Allow me to explain.

Every man has gotten the crap beat out of him at some point in his life. Oh sure, maybe not always literally. Physical altercations serve only to crease our Dockers and scuff our finely cobbled shoes.

But figuratively, we've all been beaten down. Seemingly defeated. By jobs. Women. Child support. The Bush regime. Life, in general.

But like Rocky, we always get back up. (Or turn to a life of drugs and alcohol to drown our troubles.) Either way, in the end, guess who wins? That's right. Rocky...

And for those of you naysayers who think Rocky, at sixty, is too old, I offer this. This is America. Where the government has squandered Social Security, and men have to work everyday of our wretched lives until we die. There's no retiring in America! Rocky, Sylvester, or Rambo is probably just providing for his family like the rest of us.

We've watched over the years as Balboa has defeated Apollo Creed, Mister T, the Russian, and that guy who had AIDS. But now comes Rocky's toughest foe of all. Some guy named Mason "The Line" Dixon? Uhh... I mean, Father Time.

And we have faith that he will be victorious. Why? Because he's Rocky, that's why! And also because it's a movie and to end it otherwise would just be wrong and cruel.

Man, I'm really feeling the testosterone pumping now!!! Reeeaaaarrrrr! I think I might go crack open a couple of raw eggs and drink them....

OK, so maybe not. Maybe I'll just sleep tonight in my red, white, and blue undies.

"Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet. Just a man and his will to survive..."