Rumors of my demise

Just a note to say that I'm alive. Haven't been able to post anything for a few days. Things that have been going on have dominated my thoughts. And everything that I've written has been very dark or sounds like self-pity.

When I began this, blogging was just a new, fun thing to try. I never thought it would last this long. I never thought anyone besides my real life friends would begin to read it. I never thought I would get to be fairly popular on here. With more readership came the opportunity to chat with and get to know other bloggers. And while the experience has been initially wonderful, it has opened me up to the danger of others revealing things about me that I'd rather keep private.

As contradictory as this may sound, I am a very private person. Blogging, ideally, allows us to expose as much or as little as we wish about ourselves. Yet it is done in an anonymous and safe way. I wish I had remained anonymous forever. I should have. I can write what I choose to write, and keep to myself those things I deem too personal. But now too many people know too much.

I remarked to someone the other day that now maybe I know in some very small way how celebrities feel. To go thru something very painful and very personal. And then to have it talked about or written about in a completely slanted or dishonest way. Never getting to tell your side of the story. And knowing that even if you did, it won't ever change some people's opinions of you. There are always at least two sides to every story.

You know the old saying "Sticks and stones..." That's not true for me. Words hurt me much more deeply than anything else ever could. And I'm not the kind of person who can fire back with equally malicious things. That's just not me. I'd rather take the blame, the guilt, and suffer. Because I think I deserve it. I'm a very sensitive person. Probably overly sensitive. It just became too personal. And I felt I couldn't take anymore.

So I seriously considered quitting this blog this morning. This was originally going to be a farewell post. But thanks to a friend, I changed it. She told me, "I can't believe you are going to let this defeat you." And she was right. I'm sure I've lost or will lose a few readers. But blogging is the sole reason I've rediscovered my love for writing and desire to write. And I'm not going to throw it away just because of a bad experience and a few hateful comments.

Blogging began as a mostly anonymous thing. And I believe bloggers should have an understanding and mutual respect to keep it that way. That being said, I opened myself up. The blame lies entirely on me. And I accept it. All.

On one final, very important note, I want to say the most heartfelt thank you to the handful of you who have offered your support to me during this. I didn't ask for it. You just gave it. And it literally moves me to tears to think about you right now. You'll never know how much that meant. When I needed it more than you could possibly know, you were there. That will never be forgotten.

Thank you for reading. And I hope to be back to normal blogging tomorrow.

"I'm sorry for the way things are in China. I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be. But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself. Cos you're not here with me..."