When I was quite young, ten or eleven maybe, I decided to write a book. It was a war story. More of an epic really. And by epic, I mean short story. Think Combat meets GI Joe.
I don't remember much about the book. Not surprisingly. It was never published. I do remember there were like three main characters. In one chapter they had gotten separated from their company. And one of them got killed. I titled that chapter, "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad."
The dialogue went something like this:
"Where's Murphy?"
"He didn't make it, sir."
"Well, two out of three ain't bad."
"This is nothing to joke about!"
"Relax, Henderson. He was just trying to lighten the mood."
Umm... yeah. I also tried to illustrate the book. Whatever you may think of my writing-- good, bad, or indifferent. Let there be no doubt. I am not an illustrator. That's probably the main reason it never got published. Well, that and the fact that I never finished it. Cause let's face it, my dialogue was impeccable.
I also had a short-lived rap career. Long before Eminem. Even before Vanilla Ice. The year was 1987. The Beastie Boys "Fight For Your Right" was huge. So in Home Ec, (hey, it was either pay to take VoAg or take Home Ec for free) DNC, Hollywood, and I wrote raps. Is that the correct terminology? We busted lyrics. Composed def jams. There. That's better. We had one of those Bic four-color pens. So we were able to color-code each of our parts in each rap. It was pretty high-tech. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of these early classics of the genre. I just remember using the words juice, jammy, and girlies a lot.
And yes, in case you're wondering, I can truthfully make the following declaration: My name is Bone. And I have sewn a pair of Jam shorts. And worn them. In public.
I knew what the girlies liked.
"I'm like a lemon to a lime. A lime to a lemon. Sippin' def ale with all the fine women..."
I love the Beastie Boys...
ReplyDeleteStill listen to their old music all of the time.
Am I showing my age here?
Jam shorts? I remember those. I always wondered why guys didnt either wear pants or real shorts. I guess I think the same thing about capris today. Make a choice.
ReplyDeleteUmmm, want me to tell you about my Hammer pants?
ReplyDeleteXinh: Can't sew. Can still make some peanut butter or chocolate oatmeal cookies. But don't tell anyone.
ReplyDeleteAnd no worries. KMD lives. I got more rhymes than Picasso got paint.
We prefer to fight you all like a man
And beat you down with our hands
And bodyslam you
At the wild wild west
Sherry: Yep, you sure are. 24, right? ;-)
Groovy: You have a perfect 1987 rap name. Groovy C! And I kinda like capris. On girls. Or girlies, I should say.
Heather: Nope. We want pictures!
You are one multi-talented guy, darlin....
ReplyDelete:)
I could see it as an SNL skit!
ReplyDelete"Inappropriate humor (my fave)...sort of like this
You have quite a host of hidden talents don't you? I'd be willing to bet there's a whole bunch more you haven't told us about....or have you? ;)
ReplyDeleteBlogger ate my most awesome comment. :(
ReplyDeleteTherefore, you're stuck with this . . .
Jam shorts, quad-color pens and an author to boot, I bet you were picking up the ladies BIG TIME.
Please tell me you still have the shorts.
Or the raps - somewhere? surely?
Or the story?
Circe: Thanks. Where were you in 1987, when my career was floundering? ;-)
ReplyDeleteTenacious: I think you could have something there. Quite sensitive, wasn't I.
Carnealian: Oh, there might be a few things I've yet to reveal.
Meghan: Of the three, I may still have the Jam shorts. Not surprisingly.
And after the original red/blue/black/green pen, I had the pastel one. Hmm, probably shouldn't say that.
It wasn't publshed? With a title like that...and very impressive dialogue.
ReplyDeleteway better than "juice jammies and girlies" though do admit it's kinda catchy
Take any videos in home ec? Enquiring minds....
"Two out of three ain't bad"... hahahahahaha! That actually made me laugh out loud. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteYou are a man of many talents Bone. A man of many talents.
ReplyDeleteYour chapter titled "Two out of three aint bad" made me think of the Meatloaf song of the same title.
ReplyDeleteI remember those 4-ink color Bic pens...I had one of those too. You were one organized rappa'!
after we get the hearts off the ground and we're million trillionaires (and have nothin better to do), i'll illustrate your books. and we shall only wear jam shorts and capris (or shants if you prefer) to the office.
ReplyDeletePia: No. No videos. Thankful for small blessings.
ReplyDeleteLizzie: I'm sure most people mistook my war drama for a comedy.
Jen: Thanks. And for my next trick...
Chickadee: Yes, I really just think I was ahead of my time. Don't you? :)
Alison: Well I don't know what shants are, but I'll google them.
I'll need some new Jam shorts. One sad, sad part of this story that I left out is that I wore mine so much that they faded.
I finally posted...in case you forgot about my blog.
ReplyDeleteBone- I also had hammer pants ::cringe::
ReplyDeleteI would love to see that story in it's entirety, I laughed out loud as well... the beginning of a true narrative genius...
To quote one of the greatest songs of all time you've got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms.
ReplyDeleteGod I used to love those pens. Red, Black, Blue and Green...it was amazing.
You made your own Jams!?!? And wore them!?!? Jeez. You and Nick need to get together. He wants a pair of black and white checked Chuck Taylors. EWWWW.
ReplyDelete*ring, ring*
Uh, yes, hello, this is the 80's calling to remind you that our fashion sucked!
Lindsy: I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about mine :)
ReplyDeleteOCG: As long as it's had hammer pants, and not have. But still, what a visual! Please OCG, don't hurt 'em.
Audra: Amen, sistah.
Lass: At least you said our and not your ;-) Yes, and the Jams were really thin. I never understood why I could wear these thin, flowing ultra-thin shorts, but couldn't wear sweat pants.
shants=shorts/pants. duh. kidding
ReplyDelete