The "Ex" Files

Ah, our exes. What would we do without them? Some still love us. Some hate us. Some express their anger with colorful profanities and hand gestures hurled in our direction at every opportunity. Some disappear never to be heard from again. (I don't know anything about that.) And some pop up every few months or so like Bob Dole. Well, maybe not exactly like Bob Dole.

Anyway, it started last weekend. I was over at a friend's house on Saturday night when out of nowhere I got a text message from an ex-girlfriend. I hadn't spoken with her in about nine months. (The fact that this time period is roughly the same as the normal human gestation period is purely coincidental. I hope.)

I don't remember what the first couple of messages said. Just general small talk, I guess. Said she was having a bad week or something. Then it started. I kept the next four messages on my phone just for the purpose of blogging them. (Spelling has been corrected because, well, that's just what I do):

"Just know I love you with every fiber of my being, but I have faults."

Um, OK.

"You are who I love and want to spend forever with."

Um, have you been drinking? (I actually sent that to her.)

"In my heart there has never been anybody else that compares to you. Just know you are who I love."

Where is all this coming from? (That, too.)

"You are it for me. I have things to tell you. Just know it's always been you."

What the crap? I mean, seriously. Who says this? This isn't like, "You wanna go out to eat sometime?" And where is this coming from anyway? Is it some sort of pre-Valentine's Day loneliness thing? Why didn't she say all this when we dated?

And the thing is, I know that in all likelihood, this is a bad idea and would never work. But by this time, it's like a game of Space Invaders. I have my defenses up, but every text message she drops eats away a little bit more of my shield.

Fortunately, I am able to ward off the attack. I get like a text message a day for the next three or four days. Not responding to half of them. Then this past Saturday night, I get this message:

"I have cool whip..."

Again, what the crap? How completely random!
I respond with: "OK?"
Then I recieve: "Sorry. I thought you liked cool whip."
That was followed last night with "Is there anything I can do to get you back into my life?"

No... I don't think so.

I get yet another message this afternoon. To me, if you need to text more than two or three times, you might as well call. So I finally text her back and tell her I'm tired of texting, and that if she needs to talk she can call. After all, I do consider her a friend. And actually, I could totally hang out with her, but I know that she would want more. And I wouldn't.

But then I start to think. Someone baring their soul can sometimes do that to you. I start to re-evaluate everything. Maybe there's something I missed. Who feels this way about me. I'll be 33 years old in twelve days. Never been married. No kids. Maybe it could work...

No... No... It couldn't...

Anyway, that's the last I heard from her. She hasn't called. Which is probably good. My shield is almost completely gone. And I could be running out of quarters.

"And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. And you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?"