Steven Wright

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians. He was on Craig Ferguson the other night, but I fell asleep before he came on. If you have never heard him, I would encourage you to check him out. I figured I would share some of his jokes for your entertainment on this fine Friday. Of course, his deadpan delivery is what makes a lot of this so hilarious, but nevertheless, this is the best I can do since my webcam was confiscated by the FBI.

- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- How young can you die of old age?
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
- Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, "What are you doing here? You've never worked a day in your life!"
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
- I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops."
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns...
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
- I filled out an application the other day that said, "In Case Of Emergency, Notify". I wrote "Doctor." What's my mother going to do?
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there. She said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "OK, nevermind then."

Hope you all have a terrific weekend and a Happy Father's Day!

"I got ketchup on my blue jeans. I just burned my hand. Lord it's hard to be a bachelor man..."